Wedding Dress

A while ago I mentioned the fact that I wanted to fit into my wedding dress again. Our 5th wedding anniversary is coming up here in 2 weeks! After being married for only 6 months, we got pregnant with our first baby. Since that, probably even before getting pregnant, I didn't fit in my dress. For some reason, I don't know why...it's not like I was going to wear it ever again...but I really wanted to fit in it again. So I set out on the mission of fitting into it again. For nearly 5 years I tried. Here and there, nothing consistent. I probably tried the dress on every few months up until I got pregnant with my 2nd baby. Obviously I didn't try it on then. And then after having her a year ago, I've tried it on probably 10 times...never fit. Even after losing the 25 pounds and weighing what I did back in college. Still no luck. I was sad. Well...a few weeks after the last time I tried it on, I felt skinnier. I hadn't lost anymore weight, but for some reason my bra was too big around and I had to buy a new one. I was 38A and I went to try on bra's and I was a 34aa...Sad, I know. But still...I had lost some inches where the dress never fit. SO...I tried it on again! And guess what! It zipped all the way up, with ease! It was awesome. I cried. (If you've been following my journey, you should know by now I cry a lot. :)

Sometimes I forget that I've lost weight. Mentally I still think I'm fat. I was over weight for so long that it's still taking some time to remember that I'm not fat anymore. Last night at my baby's birthday party I was in some photos/videos and seeing myself was for once a happy moment. Normally, I would delete photos but I'm actually quite happy with how I look. It's a really good feeling to have.

I still have my highs and lows in life...feeling insecure and ugly. It's a normal thing I think. Most girls I know go through this. It sucks. Really bad.

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I sign up for the St George Marathon. I'll find out in May if I get picked or not. My running partner wants to try and qualify for the Boston Marathon...again. I've decided to join her. We need to run the St. George Marathon in under 3 hours and 40 minutes. Averaging 8'30 minute miles. My average now is about a minute slower...so I have a good 6 months to train. We are running lots of hills and about 25 miles a week. As we get into summer we'll be doing sever weeks with 40 to even 50 miles a WEEK. I find that crazy...but still fun at the same time. We did a 9 miler with hills today. It felt great! I love running. It really makes me so happy.

Anyway, that's all for now. Wish me luck in the drawing! Even though it's still a month away. :) I'm extremely excited!!

Down 4, Camelback Mountain, And New Stroller!

I should really blog more often so I don't have such a long title!

Have any of you, if anyone reads this blog, ever hiked the Echo Canyon Train at Camelback? Well, here's my story.

Flash back to 2009. My oldest was just around 9 months old and I had been working out here and there. I was still holding on to 20lbs of baby weight. I had a good friend invite me to go hike this trail. I was up for it. When we got there, all you see is the side of the mountain, stairs, that were wooden posts people put in because the dirt was slippery, climbing up for as far as you could see. There must have been 100 of them. As we started hiking these steps, I became easily winded. Soon after 1/4 mile marker, still stairs at this point, we turned a little corner what I saw, I almost cried. There was a very steep uphill with a railing in the middle of the trail, people were using their upper bodies to grab this rod and help climb this insane mountain. After getting past that part, I had to stop and rest. My legs were dead. I couldn't take another step and put all my weight on one leg to push me up to the next. By this time my friend was way ahead. As I hiked a little further, I saw ANOTHER rod going up ANOTHER steep hill. This time, there were hundreds of boulders that came up to my stomach in height. There was NO way I could do that. So...I sat my butt down and waited. I couldn't do it. I couldn't step up those huge boulders, my legs would snap in half. They were so jello-y, I couldn't do it. So I quit. As I sat waiting for my friend, 100 people must have past by. (It's a very popular trail) I felt so ashamed. Look at who I was, WHAT I was doing. I was giving up. Quitting. I couldn't believe it. As I sat and waited, I teared up several times. Pathetic. Loser. Wimp. Fatty. No good. All those names came to mind. And it was true. I had let myself go. (Thank goodness not anymore than I did.) I became such a different person. Rude. Selfish. Hypocrite. Unkind. Judgemental. The list goes on. I HATED myself. I was so ashamed! 

But....let's get to a positive note. After 5 months of running, light weight training here and there, I was able to hike to the top of the mountain today. AMAZING! Honestly, it was actually pretty easy. (But I'm training hardcore for a marathon so I'm in pretty good shape:) As my husband and I past the point at which I gave up the time before, I couldn't help but smile. I made it to that point and my legs weren't hurting one bit. I was breathing heavily, I just walked upstairs for 1/4 mile, who wouldn't be out of breath? As we pushed on, the trail got harder. The part that I did do 3 years ago, was the EASY part. I couldn't believe what we had to hike next. It was simply amazing! 

This is a small part of the trail. Not even 1/4 mile long. Insane

Here is a photo of the last uphill. The black line is the trail and I circled people in blue. Amazing right? Some of those boulders are as tall as me and I had to climbed over them! At some points, we really felt like we were rock climbing. Having to find spots to put our feet and hands in and somehow get up without slipping. It really was so fun. Coming down the mountain was quite the thrill. After gaining some confidence, I started jumping off the rocks and running. It was amazing. So fun! I wish I could hike this trail every weekend! 

Pictures from the top!

I know I look like a dork. The girl taking the pic said something funny I and laughed...cute right?

If you look closely on this last picture, towards the bottom of the mountains in the distance, are the buildings that are in downtown Phoenix. Just amazing to see how high up we were. 

Another huge accomplishment I had this week....

What?! After having my husband hide the scale from me because I was OBSESSING over my weight, I found the scale and weighed myself! Look!! Down another 4 pounds and only 1 to go to my DREAM weight! Just incredible! I NEVER thought in a million years I'd be able to get back down to 125. I weighed 125lbs my freshman year of college. I was playing volleyball and training hardcore. This was when I was in the best shape of my life. (Even though I was still was self-conscious about how I looked at the time...dumb how that works) I look back at photos and just DREAM to look like that girl again. I love how I feel now. I'm so proud of myself for all the hard work I've done and all my dedication. I can't believe I'm just ONE STINKING pound away from being 125. Never did I think I'd see that on the scale again. But WOW....what a feeling!! I honestly can say that running has SAVED me. I've said this before and I'll say it til I die...Running is the best thing ever. It's save me from depression, saved my marriage because of how happy it's made me. Not only has running helped me lose 24 pounds now, it's helped me in my personal life as well. Having no confidence SUCKS. Bad. I've had another eye opener this week. I realized that I'm still no where close to being a good wife. Ya....I'm ok. I have dinners cooked most the time...laundry done every once in a while and the house is clean...only when I know visitors are coming. But I know what my husband likes....anyone really...who wouldn't like to have clean clothes in their drawers, dinner ready every evening, or a clean house to come home to. Ya...I'm ok. But something happened this week...can't really remember how it all started...but I was talking to my husband about my fear of our girls growing up. I'm not a good mom to them. I'm scared I'm not going to teach them the right things. I fear for them. This world is coming down....fast and hard. It's truly scary. I just want to keep my girls locked in a tower for the rest of their lives. I want them safe! But...the point of this rambling...oh yes....eye opener... I realized that I have no confidence. In anything. So...I changed it. Simple as that. Changed my outlook, changed my thoughts. Now, I've struggled obviously with this my whole life, and after marrying my sweet husband, we had many MANY talks about gaining confidence and just doing things for ME instead of others. I would often worry...stress...about how I looked and what I was wearing. I know I drove my husband nuts. The only things that would come out of my mouth would be negative words. But that's where I left it. Words. I'm so fat. I'm so ugly. I hate this. I hate that. blah blah blah. I've been doing some reading this week and I'm learning how to be confident with myself. I am beautiful. I don't need to look, wear, act like anyone else. I am me. No one else is like me, been through what I've been through, thinks what I think...whatever. I am beautiful. And if I act like I know I'm a good person, who is confident, life is wonderful. Good things happen all the time. It's just how you take things. Is the cup half empty or half full? 

ANYWAY....enough rambling again...Look what I got!

I've been wanting a new jogging stroller for a while now. With me running more and training for a marathon I just had to have a new one! haha My husband found this one on craigslist for $140...brand new these run around $350. He talked the sellers down to $110! Amazing! It's in practically new condition. It's all aluminum and has 16" tires. The frame and tires will make it so much lighter to push on those long runs! Can't wait for the test run on Monday!

As for my runs this week
Sunday: off
Monday: 4 miles
Tuesday 4 miles
Wednesday: 2 miles
Thursday: 6 miles...2 miles walked
Friday: Off
Saturday: Hiked Camelback Mountain!

What an amazing week!!