Goodbye May...You WON'T Be Missed

What a month! Where to begin?? So much has happened in the month of May and I'm so glad that there are only a few days left. Let's see...let's start from the beginning. Just a warning, I am a very open person. I like to be open and honest so that my readers can see the truth and know that I'm not perfect and that my weight loss journey is not easy for me.

In the middle of April I joined the facebook world again. It was awesome to reconnect with old friends. Found out friends got married, had babies or had some other exciting things going on. It was awesome. I started posting about my weight loss journey on there and got lots of feedback. Lots of emails thanking me for inspiration and motivation to start their own journey. I was on cloud 9! Having that sort of reaction is huge for me. I love knowing that I'm helping someone else change their life around. Many friends, mostly mom's, emailed me saying how they too have been fighting depression and needing an outlet. I felt honored to be the friend that they felt they could turn to and vent to. I have been there and I know all about depression and a hard marriage. After a few weeks I could feel the excitement leave. No one was talking to me anymore. The main reason why I got on was to talk to old friends. Maybe even hang out and do playdates. Soon enough I felt like I was talking to a wall...no pun intended. I emailed friends asking to hang out. Nothing. I posted stories about my races and weight loss...and while I did get lots of positive feedback on my races, I did get lectured on my weight loss. I don't want to go into details...but basically was told I'm losing too much weight. I don't want to go into details because I'm still hurt about it. I don't want to say something rude on my blog. BUT anyway, after all this started I started sinking into depression. Again, no one was talking to me. I posted stuff and only got "like"s What the heck are likes?? I started getting annoyed. I wanted to COMMUNICATE with people. Not get "like"d. So, depression hit again. Felt like I did a year ago. No friends, no one to talk to, no one cared a bit about what I was doing...the typical depression feelings, right? Even though I know people cared...I just felt lonely. I HATE THIS FEELING. SO....I deleted my facebook again. I plan to never go on again. This is exactly why I deleted it last summer. Let's be real, facebook is addicting. It's fun to see photos of friends and see what their up to. So, I sat on my phone daily and just farted around on it. After a month of this I realized something. I started eating out a whole lot. Drinking soda again, eating sweets, not really WANTING to cook dinner. All signs of depression. It wasn't until this one day when I looked up....I was sitting on the floor playing with my 1 year old...but my focus was on my phone on facebook. I looked up and this is what I saw.....

I felt sick. This is how my house has looked for the past 3 or 4 weeks. I left the CLEAN laundry in their bags, I dry by closeline, My dishes were all dirty, my kids were bored out of their minds and so they were misbehaving. Stuff like that. It was pathetic. Like I said before, I hadn't really cooked a meal in a while. We'd eat out or make something simple like a PB&J or something of the likes. This all because I was being depressed and wasting time all day on facebook. Sad. 

Want to know something else? First a little background...I weigh myself EVERYDAY. Don't ask me why, I just do. So I know when I have a change in weight. I normally fluctuate between 121 and 122 and then during the special time of month I may get up to 123 or 124 but nothing over that. And then the day after everything stops, I'm back down to 121. So, knowing this....after the fun part of the month was over I weighed in and I was 125!!!!!! What the heck? I was sad. Very sad. Silly as it sounds, you could totally notice the weight gain. It was right in my tummy/love handles. All of it. All the time I sat on my butt looking at facebook, all the junk I had been eating and drinking for the last month had finally caught up to me. I got depressed...even more depressed. So I went out and ran a 10 miler. It felt great. I haven't ran that far since before my half marathon the middle of January! Needless to say, I had several good reason to get off of facebook. Too much dang drama for this momma. I don't handle negativity well and obviously I don't handle sitting and doing nothing well. I have to stay busy to keep out of depression. 

It's almost been a week since I got off and it's so funny how things have changed. I started running more, keeping busy, and cooking meals. I'm excited to say that I've lost the weight that I gained plus 1 pound.

Once again...it's been YEARS since I've seen this number on the scale! I think I may pee myself if I ever get below 120. It's crazy what healthy food, exercise, and not being lazy can do for me.  To say the least, I have been very discouraged with running. I loved it when I first started but I'm slowly falling out of love with it. There's lots of factors but I need to remember my own advice....mind over matter. This is life. Up's and down's are expected. I need to be mentally tough and push through and finish what I've started. I have a little more than 4 months before my marathon. I start a training schedule next week so maybe that'll help me. I like schedules and I haven't used one since January. 

Please don't judge me. I'm not perfect and have many weaknesses. I'm not cut out to be on facebook. And I guess I needed a little reminder why I left. Got that message loud and clear! :) Things are starting to turn around. Still not feeling 100% but I will get there. The difference this time is that I KNOW how to get there. I'm grateful for this trail and ready to move on and get back on track!

Where Have I Been!?

It's seems like forever ago when I last posted...but I guess it wasn't too long. I've been slacking off on blogging though. I took two whole weeks off from running due to an injury. It ended up being just shin splints, but man...those things hurt! I had them after my half marathon in January and had been running with them since. I was thinking it was a stress fracture because the pain never went away. It finally got to be so annoying that I had to stop. I went to Road Runners Sports and got video tapped running barefoot on a treadmill. We found out that my arches are really high and when I run, my arches go all the way flat causing my ankles to pronate in. The guy helping me was really surprised that I have run this much with my high arches. I didn't think anything of the pain. Just thought it'd go away some time. Anyway, with a new pair of nice shoes and arch support inserts, I'm back to running just fine! Oh I've missed it!

This past weekend I ran a 5k. It was awful. It was out in Tempe and my husband drove out and met me. The race started at 8am and he showed up shortly after the race started. So, with him being late I had to push the double stroller. (Luckily I actually brought it) The whole race I was so upset because I was trying to beat my previous time of 26 minutes. I ended up running it in around 28 minutes. The course was "fast and flat" which actually meant running in dirt, grass and 4 decent sized hills. I was NOT happy. After I finished the race I puked my guts out. I have NEVER done that before. I think it was a combination of the heat, it was disgustingly hot out! And also me pushing to hard to beat my previous time. (Side note: during my race there were several times that I thought about quitting. That's what I would have done 6 months ago. But being who am I now, I picked up my pace and pushed even harder. Instead of being so mad about my circumstances, I used that as fuel to my fire. And it paid off.)

A video of me crossing the finish line. It was such a neat experience crossing the finish line. I have done 3 5k's now and never have I felt like this at the finish line. The announcer guy made me feel very special as he announced me coming in. "Here comes Emily Buck from Phoenix! And look at that Momma go!" And then EVERYONE started cheering for me. I smiled. And I cried. I felt pretty awesome for a moment. And then I had to hurry and find a corner to throw up in. 

After finishing my race, and after my "show" I put on for everyone, I calmed down a little and talked to my husband. I was pretty upset with him. But I ended up finding out his motorcycle had a flat tire and he had to stop a few times to fill it up with air to even make it out to Tempe. He ended up leaving before the awards ceremony because he needed to find a new bike tire. I stayed with my good friend Rachel and filled up our goodie bags with all sorts of sample protein bars and what not. During that time they had started the awards. Going by age groups and gender. I wasn't really listening because I knew I didn't do anything fancy. There seemed to be a lot of runners racing. I'd say around 150. As they got to my age group I listened to the 3rd place time and he said "so and so with the time of 31minutes" WHAT? I had 28 minutes...so maybe I took second place! I would be so happy with second place! When he annouced someone else as second place and a time of 30 minutes...I was like wait a minute! Then he said "And in first place with a time of 28 minutes, Mrs Emily Buck" I let out a "whooo" and ran up (with tears in my eyes) to get my award! I could not believe that with "my slow time" that I actually got first place! It was definitely something I needed after having such a horrible run. It was an amazing feeling! All that hard work and dry heaving paid off! 

This past weekend has really been an eye opener. Sort of. I just feel happy so I've been able to take "trails" and put them to good use. I found this quote the other day on pinterest...

I've really taken this to heart. Remember back when I posted about my Life Lesson I learned? About how I saw myself annoyed on video and how "ugly" I looked? Well, I've had some reminders these past 2 or so weeks of seeing other people like that. Whether it was some in the parking lot being mad at someone else for a silly reason, or even a simple someone not smiling and just looking so mad. I have made a goal to really put this quote into action in my life. I'm 100x's prettier when I smile. (EVERYONE IS) so why not smile more?? 

I can already see a difference in my life after just 2 DAYS! Something simple as smiling can go a long way. Trails have come but it's a CHOICE on how you handle those trials. I had a situation occur yesterday with my husband, in the past I would totally get jealous and totally accuse him of whatever. But instead, I just smiled and fought off those feelings. I leaned in and kissed him and told him that I love him. And as simple as that, the trial was then over. Instead of lasting all week. 

My whole marriage my husband always said that my emotions are a choice. And man, did that tick me off!! BUT after this life changing journey I've started almost 7 months ago now, I can honestly say that he is 100% correct. Emotions are a choice. You have to be mentally tough and change your mind. It can be done. I'm doing it. Me. Someone who is....WAS...very judging, accusing, jealous, bitter, depressed. I am changing my mind to be happy. Stop making excuses. I always loved the quote about pointing your finger at someone else who is to blame for your actions. If you point your finger at someone, you have THREE fingers pointing back. If you can realize that and accept it, things begin to happen. GOOD things begin to happen. 

Anyway, I didn't plan on writing this much but it's just coming out. :)

Happy May everyone!!