Run For Fun

These past two weeks I've had some realizations. 1- If I push myself hard and train properly, I could actually qualify for Boston. 2- do I REALLY even care about going and running the Boston Marathon?? And 3- if I push myself hard..my family gets neglected. So starting with #1. I've always known that I was a good athlete. I was good at almost anything....except basketball....but a new sport I tried to play, I caught on fast and was good. Dancing, I love to dance. So why did I think running was any different?? Since starting to run, I haven't had any injuries that benched me, I lost weight super fast, and I can run fast if I train. I like running fast. So qualifying for Boston could happen. Now #2 and #3 sort of go together. Do I really want to qualify and training for it, I push my family to the back burner. I'm a mommy to 2 young girls, 4yrs old and 1 1/2yrs old, and I'm also a wife to an amazing man. I have responsibilities that seemed to not get fulfilled when I'm training hard...and I feel guilty for that. A couple of weeks ago I started focusing on Boston and pushing hard in my runs. I ran in the afternoon cuz we all know trying to do speedwork and pushing kids in a double stroller just doesn't work. So, around 4pm I would head out for an hour or 2 and run. At this same time, one of my responsibilities was to cook dinner. And because of me running at the same time, we just ended up eating out. I was tired when I got back from running and didn't feel like cooking. I'm embarrassed to say this. I'm supposed to eat healthy. But I chose to eat fast food. I realized this and then slowed down my running. Ran here and there for 2 weeks but nothing was consistent. But I had home made dinners prepared. Last week I ran 32 miles which is 15 miles less than what I should have ran. But....i ran those 32 miles on Saturday and Sunday. I should add here...with the poor eating and inconsistent running I gained some weight. 5lbs...big whoop, right? No....it was heartbreaking. I cried over this 5pound gain. Anyway....back to Sunday. Sundays run was hard. The Sunday before I had ran 20 miles. Normally in my training the week after a 20 mile long run, I'd run something under 12 miles. But since I didn't get in any week days run, I decided to run 22 miles Sunday. I could only finish 20. During my run, I broke down. I was so worn down. With my small weight gain, my home being a total disaster, my kids were being naughty, and now...on that 20 mile run, I was dying. I was in so much pain. I started crying. I hated what I was doing. I hated running. I didn't want to do it. I wanted to call my husband and have him come pick me up. I stopped running and walked a ways. I started thinking...running doesn't make me happy anymore. I don't enjoy it. It's become a chore. Why? Because it's all I focused on. I didn't like who I was becoming. I ignored my family, I had a short fuse, I gained some weight, and I didn't like running! I did notice this a little the week before though...and so my main reason for not running all last week and then killing myself in the weekend was because I took time out for my kids and husband. I stayed home to cook in the evenings. My house was a disaster so I spent all week trying to organize and de-clutter. My house is now organized and I take time to clean it every night before bed. I'll tell you that it has been soooo nice waking up to a very clean home. I'm not so stressed anymore. I didn't even realize how stressed out I was over a dirty home...but wow, it's been sooooo nice. Anyway...i hope this post is making sense. I'm realizing that in my current life, I need to "run for fun" as much as I hate that phrase...because I want to run hard....I can't handle it. Running started out for fun and I didn't care about time. I enjoyed hitting the mile markers and seeing how far I could run. I want to go back to that. So....I have a marathon in just under 3 weeks, my goal for that is "run for fun" forget about the time/pace and just run. I probably won't even mention my finishing time. I want to be happy about running a marathon. I was so sad/mad/upset after my first marathon. Lots of things happened and I let it affect me. I want to find me again. The me who loves running and uses it to make me happy...not stressed out and ticked off cuz I didn't run fast enough. This is going to be difficult for me but, I know it's what I need in my life now. My kids need me, my husband needs me, and I need to enjoy running. I need to remember who I was before I started running. I was fat, lazy, mean, bitter, tired, sad, but mostly just soooo unhappy. After I started running I became the happiest I've ever been. I need to go back to that. I need to "Run for FUN"