In Training

What do the words "in training" mean to you?

For me, it's always been an excuse to eat what ever I wanted. I'm burning so many calories that I can pretty much get away with it. When I first started running, I cut out all crap. No fast food, soda, candy, etc. And I was in the best shape that I had been in years. It was priority back then to lose the extra weight but after that, I didn't care because I had created the habit of running and burning calories. In the 1.5 years since losing my 40+ pounds, I haven't gained but only 5lbs here and there but I did get flabby and lost some muscle. I'd word harder and got back to where I was but it was just a cycle of losing and gaining.

I took a week off of training, unintentionally, since my marathon and boy oh boy did I have a poor diet. I'm ready to clean it up A LOT and start feeling better. I'm going to use the terms "in training" as an excuse to not eat crap and only fuel with good nutritious foods. I get told a lot "you probably eat so healthy because you run marathons" and I get pretty embarrassed when I say, "actually, I eat like crap." I have had moments of healthy eating, but it only lasts a short while.

This next marathon, in February, is my big Boston Qualifying race. I want it so badly and so motivated to push hard in training these next 4 months. I'm motivated to push hard in all aspects of training, including my diet. So, from here on out, I will use the excuse of, "I'm in training" as a positive and not an excuse to pig out and eat crap.

Attitude

I've been told my whole life that your "attitude is everything." I talk a lot about my dark years when depression ruled my life. Looking back at those many years that I struggled, I had a bad attitude. Everything in life was awful, even the good. While those years where the hardest I've had to deal with, I am saddened to think how pitiful I was. But at the time, it was hard to see that.

This marathon really changed me and opened my eyes to who I really am. Since having kids, I've struggled with me and knowing who I was. Sounds crazy, but unless you've been there, you wouldn't understand. So much has happened and certain things were said to me that made me feel a certain way about myself. I felt like a controlling, paranoid, contention seeking female (and yes, being a female was a negative) But....ever since my marathon I have felt such a sense of accomplishment, even though this was my 7th, it wasn't until this week where I really gained confidence. Which I really needed, badly.

I tend to get upset very easily and get my feelings hurt a lot. Yes, I take things way too personally and I get easily offended. But, with this new sense of pride I have, I have been able to look at things from a better point of view. I react more logical in difficult situations, instead of blowing it up way out of proportion and getting my feelings hurt or feeling offended. I am not one who likes confrontations and I very quickly jump to conclusions and most the time I'm assuming the wrong. Well, this week I have been in several different situations where if I would have reacted like I usually do, it would have led to some big, big problems. But somehow I managed to keep my cool and really understand where these other people were coming from and because of that, things were worked out and completely fixed. After the situations, I pondered to myself and sort of laughed....has running a marathon really affected me in my day to day life? It truly has. I'm finally thinking clearly and logical but more importantly, I have an awesome attitude about everything. As some may know, some pretty awesome things have happened to me this week. But with all things, there is opposition. As much good as I've had, there has also been the bad. But because I am so completely happy, I don't even think twice about the bad. I am a Christian and I can feel opposition, or in other words Satan, trying to knock me down. It almost had me an hour after my marathon, but I acknowledged it and chose to not let it affect me. For a moment I felt like my finish time wasn't good enough. But as I reminisced about the whole year leading up to this marathon, I remembered what I went through and how much pain and suffering I dealt with. But then I remembered how hard I fought for this specific time and then it all became good enough again. I did my best. I reached my goal, finally, and at that point I decided nothing, NOTHING was going to ever make me feel less or unimportant, or not good enough ever again. No matter the situation. It all comes back to attitude. Its a lot easier said than done, believe me! Its taken me years and years and years to understand this, but tonight, as my birthday comes to an end, I reflect back on so much I missed out on because of a bad attitude.

Two years ago, I started this crazy weight loss/running journey. It was my 25th birthday. I said, "this year is going to be the best year of my life" and it was. Well, here I am again, at 11:50pm, the night of my 27th birthday saying, "I'm going to make this year the best year of my life!" Nothing and no one will bring me down ever again. I know who I am and who I want to be. I am the only one who can achieve my full potential. No one can do it for me.

This year I really want to focus and forgiving myself for my past. I feel a lot of pain when I think about it and I know if I truly forgive myself, I will become an even stronger person, who in the end, my ultimate goal in life, will be able to help those who are struggling with what I did. Life is a crazy journey, but we are all in it together. <3

St George Marathon

I keep trying to start this race post, But I just don't know where to start.

I'll just start from the beginning, since my 2 year mark of starting to run is Thursday, October 10th. My birthday.

I was about to turn 25 years old. I was depressed and weighed 40 pounds more than I had ever weighed. We had just gotten back from a family birthday party with my in laws (we have 5 October birthdays on my husband's side, including me) I was given 2 fun size packs of Reeses peanut butter cups, as one gift (8 individual cups in each pack, so a total of 16) these were my ABSOLUTE favorite candy. Long story short, I pigged out and ate ALL of them with in just a few minutes. After realizing what I had just done, I became disgusted. Disgusted because this wasn't the first time I'd pig out on junk. It happened a lot but for some reason, that particular moment I decided things HAD to change! I had tried several times before to lose weight but I never stuck with anything long enough to actually lose weight. So, at that moment I decided that my 25th year was going to be the best year of my life. And it was. I lost my extra weight and I was the happiest I had been in years! I had started running that same week of my birthday and haven't stopped yet.

Fast forward a year. October 5, 2012 I ran my very first marathon. (You can read all about it here) There were so many things that happened in that race that hurt me badly. Not to mention the HORRIBLE charlie horses I got in my calves that locked my legs up and I couldn't move for a few minutes at mile 24. It was awful. After that race I wanted redemption. I wanted to feel better about everything. So what did I do? Signed up for another marathon. 2 months after my first marathon, I ran my second. This second marathon though wasn't about my time. I wanted/needed to fall back in love with running. And I did just that. After my 2nd marathon, 1.5 months later I ran my 3rd, 2weeks after my 3rd, I ran my 4th. 3 months after my 4th, I ran my 5th. One month after that, I ran my 6th. And finally....3 months later, I ran my 7th. My 7th was the same race as my first.

Not to go into too much detail but I feel the need to talk a little bit about the other marathons. Marathon #3 and #4 were 2 weeks apart. I wanted to get a PR on #4. (My first marathon time was 4:03:15) So to skip all the training details, it was time to run marathon #3. The plan was to take it as a training run and then the marathon in 2 weeks would be a big PR. During marathon #3 I decided to go for a PR. After finishing, I went over to the results and it was posted that I got a 3:59:01!! I cried and cried with excitement. I couldn't believe it! I was so extremely proud. Well....that bubble popped the next day. I looked at my results online and it said 4:03:07. What the heck?? So I contacted the timing company and they said they screwed up and had to adjust the times (its a long, drama filled story. I'll skip it.) So....there I was, extremely upset because I so badly wanted that sub 4hour time. It was right there, but then the timing company screwed up. So, I thought I'd get it the next marathon. That race, a friend and I decided to go for a 3:45 time. Everything started out great, until mile 18. EVERY SINGLE TIME I bonk at that mile. I kept getting told it was because I wasn't training correctly. Possibly running too fast on my long runs. But I found out just recently that that's not true. It was mental. (I'll get to that in a minute) Back to marathon #4 and bonking and mile 18 yet again. I finished that race at 4:10:12. Yet again, another let down. No sub 4. A few months later I ran #5. It stated out great. Legs were fantastic. Got to mile 18 and no bonk!! I ended up stopping around mile 20 to stretch a little and noticed something. I had started my period!! To spare too much detail, lets just say mile 20 was a 22 minute mile. Crying my eyes out and cleaning a mess, totally just killed me. My hopes, yet again, were lost for a sub 4. I finished that race in 4:45 something. I was so incredibly sad. From that marathon on, I sunk into a bad depression. A lot happened after that race, and things were said to me that really hurt me, badly. I started to hate running. I became the person who I once hated. The summer months were hard as is because here in Arizona, we never get under 105 degrees. So running in extremely hot weather killed my desire to run, but add depression and hurt feelings on top of that...most weeks I didn't even get up from the couch. I was in a dark place. About the beginning of July, a friend on Facebook created a virtual run. It was called the Crazy Pyramid Challenge. It was a 5k, 10k, half marathon, full marathon (#6), 10k, and 5k all done in 7 convective days. I decided to do to. I knew my times wouldn't be as fast as I'd like because I hadn't been running but I needed something to get me up. Completing this challenge did exactly that. I fell back in love with running and that passion was restored. So now, I was only dealing with the lack of motivation to get up at 4am and run in 95 degree weather, or run at 9pm in 105 degree weather. But, looking back, I did a my best and I'm happy for what I did in August and September. About a month before my 7th marathon, I decided I would just run to finish. I would take off the timing chip so my results wouldn't be posted online. And I wouldn't wear my watch. That pressure of beating my time from the year before stressed me out, so getting rid of the timing chip and running with no watch made me feel less pressure. (Even though I REALLY wanted a PR, I didn't think my summer training was enough) 3 weeks before the marathon, a friend said that he would help me train for my next marathon in February. I want to qualify for Boston there (I need a 3:35 to qualify) and so we began training. His trainings are different than what I'm used to, but I love the change. I learned a lot about myself in the 3 weeks before my marathon and decided to go ahead with wanting to get my PR. My coach helped me more than with just running. Something clicked and now, my mental game was a whole lot stronger than ever. I felt calm and confident. That's something I've never felt before. The week of the race, I would have moments of self doubts but after talking with my coach, he would say just the right things to help me get out of my own head.

Ok, finally. Race morning.

I didn't meet anyone race morning. I wanted to be alone so I could visualize how the I wanted to run the race. I sat by the fire to keep warm, it was 32 degrees at the start, and I listened to the song "Be Still My Soul" several times. I prayed. I relaxed. I cried a little. Here I was again, where the year from hell started, but this time was MY TIME. No one and nothing was going to bring me down again. This was all me. I dropped off my bag and watched as the gun went off. I had decided I would start near the end so that I would avoid going out too fast. I stood along side the 7,600 runners as they all raced out. I faced the starting line and replayed my game plan one last time. I closed my eyes, prayed that I would be comforted and off I went. As I passed the start, a flood of memories came into mind. I cried a lot the first mile because of everything that happened the year before. But, I wiped away those tears and that pain and only thought positive thoughts. This was my time.

Having run this marathon before, I knew how to NOT run it. The first 7 miles were downhill and if you go out too fast, you will pay later on. So instead of going too fast, I actually went too slow. But....having bonked extremely hard in marathons before, I DID NOT want to experience that again. My first half was a time of 2:08:01. An average pace of 9:48. Crap. Way too slow. I had better pick it up if I want that sub 4 hour (a 9:06 pace) around mile 16 I started to push, still a little cautious because if the dreaded mile 18. When mile 18 came, I was on fire. I felt absolutely amazing. I checked my watch and I was still at an average pace of 9:27. With only 8 miles left, I had to book it!! And I did just that. My last 6 miles were under 8:30 and my last 2 miles were 7:54 and 7:42. (To prove how fast I was going...first off, my last 6 miles in my other marathons have been close to 12 minute miles. And second, the marathon had this app that tracked how many people you pass and how many pass you. In the last 7 miles I passed 706 people and ZERO passed me!!!) Around mile 21, I felt a little bit of pulling in my legs, as if a cramp was about to start. I realized, the more I thought about that cramp starting, the more it cramped up. And if I distracted my mind, the cramp went away. So, I put on my music and jammed out til the finish. The last .2 miles were the best part of the race. I saw the finish line and started bawling (yes, I cry A LOT) I saw the crowds and just threw my hands up and started to scream and cheer. I yelled and cried all the way to the finish. I knew I had cut it close to a sub 4, so I hurried and looked at my watch, and I did it!!!! I flippen did it!!! 3:59:30 (according to my watch) I wanted to cry, well I already was. I looked up from my watch and there was my cousin (he was a volunteer at the finish) he was yelling my name with his arms opened yelling "you did it Emily! You did it!" I gave him a huge hug and just cried. Finally. After everything I have been through, I FINALLY faced my fears and self doubt and I proved to myself that I am a whole lot stronger than I think. My cousin went and grabbed a medal and put it around my neck. I just stood there crying. I couldn't believe this actually happened. As I walked to go to bag pick up and go check out the official results, my legs started cramping and locking up. So I found some shade and laid down and stretched. A few minutes later my cousin found me and showed me my office time 3:59:32!!!! Again, the tears flowed!

I can't believe I FINALLY got my sub 4 hour finish. Its been a long, difficult year but now I'm ready to move on and chase after my Boston Qualifying time! I'm so excited to be working with a coach and more importantly, that I have conquered my mind. I can do anything I put my mind too, AND SO CAN YOU!

When You Want To Succeed

I heard a quote the week before last week that's pretty much ignited a fire within me.

When you want to succeed as much as you want to breathe, that's when you'll be successful.

That just hits me to the core. For so long I've had a goal of qualifying for Boston and yet I don't really feel that I was ever 100% committed or motivated to really actually reach that goal. But now, more than ever, I WANT IT BAD! I want it because I want it and no one else.

I am a very competitive person. I have a lot of determination towards reaching a goal. I mentioned in my last post that I've been making goals based off everyone else. And I didn't have a whole lot of motivation to really succeed with any of those. But now I've figured out what I really want and I'm going to get it.

This past year of running has been so up and down and all offer the place. This past week or so I've really had to rebuild mentally and physically. I'm a numbers person. I run based off performance. My best. I push myself to reach certain goals. I have been told several times this week that, one way or another, that I'm not doing it right, doing too much, or something along those lines. I HATE being told I'm not doing it right or I'm doing too much. I'm sorry, but I am not you and I know MY BODY and what works best. For far too long I've done it everyone else's way and that's gotten me NO WHERE. It's time to do me and focus on what works best for me.

All too often I've been told that the way I train is not the right way. I've trained and ran hundreds of miles over the last 2 years, I am starting to understand that I do know best, when it comes to me and training. I've used several different kinds of trainings and did tons of research about how to train properly. But I think it all comes down to trial and error. Over this past year I have wanted a PR in a marathon and of the 5 I have ran after my first, I have come close to getting a PR but always come up short. I truly believe it's because of my training. I'll be sharing more about this as I get closer to race day, in February, because again, this is trial and error. But it's something I am confident in.

This past week was a week of rebuilding and getting consistent. I finished out running and biking a total of 42 miles, 14 bike 28 running. I did some speed work, ran 1 mile worth of bleachers, body weight strength training, and mental training.

Monday-rest day from a big weekend
Tuesday- 5 miles of speed work (1 mile w/u, 3 mile repeats with 2 min rest between each mile 7:01, 7:16, 7:19, 1 mile c/d)
Wednesday-6 miles on my bike pulling my kiddos. That evening I ran 1 mile of bleachers
Thursday- 2 miles recovery, very sore from the bleacher run haha
Friday-rest
Saturday-20.2 miles (sprinted the extra .2 for mental training) 8 mile bike ride with my family
Sunday-unexpected rest day....rainy outside and I am pretty sore from the 20 miler.

This past weeks goal was consistency. I've been struggling for a while at being consistent and so I made that a priority.

This next week I am adding in weight training. I have always felt the need to lift weights but never have. I made my own little home gym and super excited about it. Time to kick it into high gear and finally reach my goals!

The 2 main goals for the year are:

Sub 20 minute 5k on November 9th

First half marathon, racing, November 17th. (Yes, I have run the half marathon distance but not in a race setting at my own pace, very excited!)

I do have a 5k September 21, marathon #7 October 5th (no goal) I will probably run another 5k in December if I don't hit my goal on November 9th. I love racing season!!

What A Year

I can't believe I've gone since December without posting anything on here.

Where to even begin? This year has been such a crazy ride. I've accomplished a lot and I should be proud of myself, but I'm not. I've been fighting depression since finishing my first marathon in October last year. Things have been so all over the place and I`ve felt somewhat like I am drowning.

I have accomplished a lot, finished 6 marathons and 5 weeks out from my next marathon, I've hit PR's for certain distances, had really good training weeks....but there's still something missing. This past week has been a week of reflection and reevaluation. Going over my past trainings and looking at the weeks and months and figuring out why I'm where I'm at.

I've had lots of good and even amazing runs....but as a whole, I've been so inconsistent and random. When I first started running and up until my first marathon, I was able to beat depression and enjoy running where now, I feel like running is a chore. Or I have to keep doing it because (insert reasons here). When I first started running, I just ran. Ran to how I felt. I honestly can say that I'm in worse shape (meaning in my own opinion) today than I was after finishing my first marathon.

As I reflected this week, it hit me. I was no longer running for me but to try and impress people. I'm totally embarrassed by this, but it's the truth. It all started because of social media. I would post my runs and all about them and then all the opinions came pouring in. The good opinions and compliments but also the bad, negative comments. I started doing things according to what others said. Stated relying on their experiences and advice rather than my own. I absolutely love reading, weird because those words have never come out of my mouth before, and figuring out myself the ways to train or do something. But instead I listened to people who had no idea how I trained or knew what really turned me on to running. As this happened, things started to get ugly and I started, emotionally, heading back to where I was before I even started running. And that was a place I swore I never would go back to. But it was such a gradual thing that I didn't even realize this falling backwards until last week. It was a week from you know where. One of my worst weeks ever. I'm embarrassed by it. But I'm letting it be an eye opener and a lesson.

I made all these goals for this year, including a 100 mile race. But the more I think about that....that's not what I WANT to do. (Especially since the race was around a 1 MILE LOOP course and you run until you're done. Not my idea of fun. Seriously.) So I've canceled those, thankfully I hadn't paid for anything yet! I do have plans to one day Do a 50 mile trail run, not a loop course haha but for now, my biggest goals are those related with speed. I want to get a sub 20 minute 5k and a qualifying time for Boston.

I love pushing myself and seeing how fast I can go. Of course I would get upset when I didn't perform my best and didn't hit my goal pace and I was told quite often that pace doesn't matter and to let go of it. So I tried it for a few months and come to find out, I like pushing my pace and pushing to see what I can do. That's what makes me feel good. I feel strong.

I went trail running today, my first time, and I pushed myself. Trail running is way harder than road running, especially where I live. The roads are flat for miles and miles and miles. So running on hills, up and down, is way more difficult. But I absolutely loved it. I loved that near barf feeling after pushing hard uphill and then the legs about to give out feeling when running downhill. That's who I am. I like it and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

It's time to get back on track and do what I love to do and forget what others say or think.

The craziest part of this year is just realizing how subtle this all came on. I never used to care what others opinions were. I disconnected from the social media and just did me. Time to get back to that. Especially since it's not just me that's being affected by this, but my family as well.

Sorry if this post is kind of all over the place. There's lots going on but I felt the need to write it down. <3

Marathon #2 Story!!

After finishing my first marathon on October 6, 2012 I was very discouraged. I felt MISERABLE. My muscles were cramping horribly and I was CRYING. Not happy tears. Sad, mad, disappointed...you name it. Is that how running marathons are supposed to be? You set a goal to reach and when you don't reach it, you are miserable?? About a month later I got to thinking. I wanted to redeem myself. I didn't know if it was too soon to run another marathon but I felt I needed to. You see, ever since that finish I struggled to find my love for running. It became a chore. Something I HAD to do. Like a job. It sucked to be quit honest. I met a great friend around this time and talked to her about my desire to run another marathon. She ran her first marathon in March 2012 and just finished her 5^th one! She runs one about every other month. Being inspired by this I signed up for another. I had about a month before race day so I did what I could. I was nervous!!! What did I just sign up for?? I was soo MISERABLE after my first WHY IN THE WORLD would I even THINK about doing another. But like I said, I felt a marathon shouldn't feel like that and I wanted redemption. I had a lot to over come in this month prior to the race. I suffered severe muscles cramps from mile 18-26.2 in my first marathon. Not to even mention the mental side. I was a mess! I'm honestly surprised that I finished. Honestly. It was bad. About this time I met a great group of friends from ALL over the world. We all bonded so fast and became a very tight family. I got advice on mental toughness and how to overcome the dreaded wall in the marathon. These friends each picked a few miles of the race and wrote me inspiring words, funny jokes, and motivating words. I bawled like a baby when I found this post. I had no idea. I have never had friends that gave me this kind of support. I felt so special and so ready to rock this marathon.

Marathon weekend. We dropped my girls off at my parent's house and headed over to my great friend Christine's home. For the past 4 weeks she had been giving me massages! Talk about an AWESOME friend!! I am truly blessed to have had her. I definitely feel the massages helped my legs feel 100x's better this time around...but I'll talk about that later! :) After the wonderful relaxing massage, my husband and I headed to Tucson. Tucson is about a 2/2 ½ hour drive from where I live. This weekend was about having fun. I didn't want to have any negativity and drama that I did last time. (Don't get me wrong...I had a ton of fun with my family and really enjoyed the experience...but it wasn't AMAZING like I was expecting. I mean come on...running 26.2 miles is pretty flippen amazing...but it didn't feel that way) ANYWAY...haha...We got to the check in spot and walked around for a little while. I'm not a huge fan of expos...just a bunch of over priced gear and what not. But I got my bib and we headed out to drive the course. I loved just being about to look at everything around me. (when we drove the course for my first marathon...we had the kids in the car...AHHH!!! I about ripped my hair out!!) It was so nice to have a quiet car and just relax. We found the starting point and drove back out to the finish. After finishing there we headed out to find our hotel. Unfortunately the hotel I booked way pretty far away. We talked to the manager and he let us cancel without charge. So after doing that we drove back and found a nice hotel about 10 minutes away from the bus loading zone. Now for my last marathon (sorry I'm comparing so much between the two...but hopefully you'll get the point by the end.) I didn't sleep AT ALL the night before. Maybe 30 minutes. This time I got a GREAT 4 FULL HOURS!! So silly how amazing that was! I woke up around 2am and was just awake. I laid around until about 3:15AM and then got up to get ready. I was PUMPED! I was sooo excited. I was singing and dancing...now remember this was 3 IN THE MORNING! I'm NOT a morning person. I KNEW it was going to be an AMAZING day. My husband dropped me off at the buses, told me I was amazing...with a little prying by me haha...and then I was off. As I walked to the buses all alone, I decided to talk to everyone around me. I didn't do this last time and I felt very lonely. There were these 2 guys just behind me, so I turned to say hello. I asked them all sorts of questions and we had a good small conversation. I noticed one of them wasn't wearing any running clothes and had flip flops odd...found this to be odd...but he did have a pretty good backpack on so I figured he'd change on the bus. As we walked to the start of the buses I noticed that the end buses were school buses but the ones up front were nice charter buses! We had a heater and our own bathroom!!! AMAZING! (In St George we rode up in freezing cold school buses and I had to wait in a HUGE line to go potty...almost missed the start because of how long I waited. I think I waited around 20 minutes to go potty.) We got to sit on the bus until about 20 minutes til start. AMAZING!! Once I got off I hurried to get my drop bag ready to go and then walked towards the starting line. I figured I'd try to hit around the 4 hour mark again and just see what happens. The ONLY thing I was nervous about was the dreaded wall. I hit it hard at mile 18 in my first and suffered all the way til the finish. NOT AMAZING. Hahaha As we lined up they played the national anthem and did a countdown from 10. Normally that's when the adrenaline and nerves hit me. But not today. I was relaxed, had a smile on my face, and ready to LOVE running again. As we started and as the crowd spread out a little, I met some friends, Lynn and Dave. This was Lynn's 9^th marathon and Dave's 63^rd!! Dave had to be in his 60's!! Anyway, we asked what our hopeful finishing time was and both Lynn and I said to finish with a smile! I loved her! As we continued running I saw my friend I met on the bus. The one with flip flops and shorts on. Ya, guess what...he was running BAREFOOT. Now, understand there are runners who do that. So I wasn't too shocked...just kind of blown away that I actually saw someone doing it haha about this time I noticed on some of the uphills my heart rate was sky rocketing, so I pulled back. I didn't want to hit that wall at the end! I ended up walking the uphills all through out the race. It felt great. And that's what I wanted. So...around mile 3 I noticed a HUGE puddle of blood on the street and then a trail of blood after that. I thought about my barefoot friend. I thought that maybe he stepped on a sharp rock or something and prayed he was ok. As I continued I noticed blood every once in a while and knew it was bad. About mile 6 I caught up with him. He was walking...with his shoes back on. I stopped and walked with him for a bit. Asked if he was ok. He didn't step on any rock...he had BLISTERS on the bottom of his feet...the WHOLE foot was a blister that had ripped opened! I felt horrible for him. But....then again...he could have worn shoes. I asked if he needed anything and he said he was going to get bused back to the finish. I gave him a high five and a smile and then I headed again. About a mile later I noticed another runner. I felt the urge to talk to him. So I slowed to his pace and said hello. This was his first marathon. I chatted a little, told him my few tips of advice, and then gave him a high five and headed out again. Shortly after....I felt my tummy starting...my dear girlie friend was here to visit and I always get sort of gasy with her in town (hahaha) I had to stop and use the restroom. And of course 5 other people beat me to it. I of course started a conversation with them while we waited. It was fun. Yes, waiting in line to use a portapotty was fun. After starting back running again I felt a TON better. I found another friend to talk to and he was from Berlin! He had a great accent! I always love talking to folks with accents hahaha He told me this was his 29^th marathon, again he had to be in his 50's. He said he was supposed to run the New York Marathon, but obviously didn't because it was canceled to to Hurricane Sandy. He had said he flew in to New York from Berlin the day before the race, got all signed in and then the news of it being canceled came. HOW CRUMMY! So he ended up flying back home and searched for another marathon before the end of the year. I was just lucky enough to chat with him. He ended up heading to the bushes to go potty so I picked back up my pace and headed on. I hit miles 9-13...those were rolling hills. I decided to keep my walking uphill strategy and keep the good feeling going. Pretty slow miles here but still feeling good. After the half way mark, I realized my pace was pretty slow so I decided to pick it up this next half. As I picked up my paces...my tummy started hurting again. So once again I had fun waiting in line for the restroom. Had I only had to go #1 I wouldn't have waited in line...there were big bushes on the side...but this was not the case. Anyway, after that I picked back up and felt good. I started to notice that I was passing a lot of people. As I passed I said a little something and smiled and then kept going. It was fun to give encouraging words. Around mile 15 I wasn't passing anyone and no one was really around to talk to, so I pulled out my music. You better believe I busted out some sweet running dance moves. It was great. The bike patrol people would wave and smile at me. The kids at the water station laughed and we'd bust out a few moves together too. It was great! I made sure that at every water station I thanked the people there. They were volunteering for this. They weren't getting paid. If they weren't there...there would be a lot of runners hurting. So I felt the need to thank them. As I approached the cursed mile 18 I kept telling myself to smile. I high fived the mile marker sign and pushed on. And I continued to high five each mile marker sign until the finish. It was great! I even stopped at mile 20 to pose for a picture. One thing that I noticed in my first marathon is that I looked down a lot. I starred at the street in front of me a lot. So I made it a goal to keep my chin up and look around. I had gotten my phone out to video a few points along the route. It took a lot of time getting in and out of my bad so I kind of stopped for a while and just tried to keep my eyes up and focused. It REALLY helped to do that. Around mile 22 I got my phone back out and right then my husband started calling. He asked where I was and he ended up finding me around mile 23. He was on his mountain bike and he rode to the finish with me. It was soo nice to have that because around mile 24 I started to crash. Not nearly as bad though. Just my legs were getting tired and I kept wanting to walk. And I did. Like I've said before...I wanted to finish with a smile. So I walked and ran the rest of the way. I ran past this really elderly guy and said hello. He had to be in his late 80's. Seriously amazing!! As we turned the corner to head towards mile 26 there was this lady. She looked as though she was struggling. I ran next to her for a bit and kept telling her to not stop. Don't give up. You are ssoooooo close to the finish. You can't stop now...not only was I telling her that, but also myself :) As I headed down the last stretch of the race there were people on both sides. It seemed kind of quiet so I threw up my hands and started cheering. People joined in and I started to get some tears in my eyes. The announcer was saying peoples names as we came in. When he said my name I let out my “Zena Worrier” yell, that I'm very famous for, and finished with a SMILE!! I felt on top of the world!!! I could hardly walk, but I seriously felt AMAZING. THIS IS WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE!!!! Not in tears from being sad and mad.

I'm very proud to say that I achieved my goal. I finished with a smile and I had a TON OF FUN. YES!! 26.2 miles of running was FUN!! I've found my love for running again and couldn't be happier. I can't wait for every marathon to be such a fulfilling reward. Who cares about my pace and my time...for me I need to LOVE what I do. Running is my release, my anti-depressant, my therapy session...and when I'm concerned about time....IT SUCKS!! To each their own. Some people love to win marathons, or hit a certain pace. For me, I'm learning that smiling is my thing.

Another good thing about running slower....I'm not NEARLY as miserably sore!! Ya, sure...I still can't walk down stairs. But it seemed after last marathon I cried when I had to stand up or sit down or take a step. I hurt so incredibly bad. And it wasn't fun! Today I'm feeling sore...but it's sooo worth it for how much fun I had!

On to my nutrition for the race. Last marathon I took GU every couple miles. It helped but it was messy!! I also was very dehydrated. This time I ran with my camelbak. I drank a TON and I know it helped. Sure, you don't need to run with a backpack...but make sure you take your time at the water station. Drink two cups of water/gatorade if need be. I also ditched the GU and took these pills called Endurolytes. They are capsules filled with electrolyte powder. I'm 100% positive these helped me with my cramping. I took one every 20 minutes and I felt great! Even at the end...I'd feel the cramping coming on and notice I was at 15 minutes or so, so I'd pop a pill in and within 3 minutes my legs felt great! I also drank HALF of an energy drink at mile 20. Miles 20-22 my pace was 8:45!! haha but then I hit more uphills and I slowed back down. I think next time around I'm going to save that kick until mile 24!

My next marathon is in 10 weeks!! I'm super excited for training until then. I'm planning to start P90X and get some strong muscles! Wish me luck!!

SMILE EVERONE!!!

(pictures coming in another post!!)

Marathon #2

Well...just about a week away from my next marathon. It's funny how things have changed. This marathon is a turning point in my journey. A turning point back to who I was when I first started running. When I first started running, running became my therapy session, my anti-depressant, my get away from stress...but as training got serious, so did I. There came a point when things changed.  Training started to feel like a competition. It got depressing. I became a different type of runner. And like I've stated in a previous post, I can't be a competitive runner right now. I'm still new to running and my family needs to come first.

ANYWAY, back to the point of this post....this marathon is a turning point back to who I was. My ultimate goal with this marathon is to finish with a smile, not tears. I want to mentally feel better than my first marathon. I just want to enjoy the experience as best as I can and relax about the time. I still have a goal time but it's a little more relaxed.

I'm excited and ready to redeem myself. I know what my body can do, now just need to mentally overcome the obstacles that will come my way...like miles 18-26.2 :)

Wish me luck!!

Run For Fun

These past two weeks I've had some realizations. 1- If I push myself hard and train properly, I could actually qualify for Boston. 2- do I REALLY even care about going and running the Boston Marathon?? And 3- if I push myself hard..my family gets neglected. So starting with #1. I've always known that I was a good athlete. I was good at almost anything....except basketball....but a new sport I tried to play, I caught on fast and was good. Dancing, I love to dance. So why did I think running was any different?? Since starting to run, I haven't had any injuries that benched me, I lost weight super fast, and I can run fast if I train. I like running fast. So qualifying for Boston could happen. Now #2 and #3 sort of go together. Do I really want to qualify and training for it, I push my family to the back burner. I'm a mommy to 2 young girls, 4yrs old and 1 1/2yrs old, and I'm also a wife to an amazing man. I have responsibilities that seemed to not get fulfilled when I'm training hard...and I feel guilty for that. A couple of weeks ago I started focusing on Boston and pushing hard in my runs. I ran in the afternoon cuz we all know trying to do speedwork and pushing kids in a double stroller just doesn't work. So, around 4pm I would head out for an hour or 2 and run. At this same time, one of my responsibilities was to cook dinner. And because of me running at the same time, we just ended up eating out. I was tired when I got back from running and didn't feel like cooking. I'm embarrassed to say this. I'm supposed to eat healthy. But I chose to eat fast food. I realized this and then slowed down my running. Ran here and there for 2 weeks but nothing was consistent. But I had home made dinners prepared. Last week I ran 32 miles which is 15 miles less than what I should have ran. But....i ran those 32 miles on Saturday and Sunday. I should add here...with the poor eating and inconsistent running I gained some weight. 5lbs...big whoop, right? No....it was heartbreaking. I cried over this 5pound gain. Anyway....back to Sunday. Sundays run was hard. The Sunday before I had ran 20 miles. Normally in my training the week after a 20 mile long run, I'd run something under 12 miles. But since I didn't get in any week days run, I decided to run 22 miles Sunday. I could only finish 20. During my run, I broke down. I was so worn down. With my small weight gain, my home being a total disaster, my kids were being naughty, and now...on that 20 mile run, I was dying. I was in so much pain. I started crying. I hated what I was doing. I hated running. I didn't want to do it. I wanted to call my husband and have him come pick me up. I stopped running and walked a ways. I started thinking...running doesn't make me happy anymore. I don't enjoy it. It's become a chore. Why? Because it's all I focused on. I didn't like who I was becoming. I ignored my family, I had a short fuse, I gained some weight, and I didn't like running! I did notice this a little the week before though...and so my main reason for not running all last week and then killing myself in the weekend was because I took time out for my kids and husband. I stayed home to cook in the evenings. My house was a disaster so I spent all week trying to organize and de-clutter. My house is now organized and I take time to clean it every night before bed. I'll tell you that it has been soooo nice waking up to a very clean home. I'm not so stressed anymore. I didn't even realize how stressed out I was over a dirty home...but wow, it's been sooooo nice. Anyway...i hope this post is making sense. I'm realizing that in my current life, I need to "run for fun" as much as I hate that phrase...because I want to run hard....I can't handle it. Running started out for fun and I didn't care about time. I enjoyed hitting the mile markers and seeing how far I could run. I want to go back to that. So....I have a marathon in just under 3 weeks, my goal for that is "run for fun" forget about the time/pace and just run. I probably won't even mention my finishing time. I want to be happy about running a marathon. I was so sad/mad/upset after my first marathon. Lots of things happened and I let it affect me. I want to find me again. The me who loves running and uses it to make me happy...not stressed out and ticked off cuz I didn't run fast enough. This is going to be difficult for me but, I know it's what I need in my life now. My kids need me, my husband needs me, and I need to enjoy running. I need to remember who I was before I started running. I was fat, lazy, mean, bitter, tired, sad, but mostly just soooo unhappy. After I started running I became the happiest I've ever been. I need to go back to that. I need to "Run for FUN"

2013 Goals

It's nearing the end of the year so my mind is thinking about goals for next year. I always find it so fun to write out and plan new goals and races.

January 1st - running a 5k with a (few, I hope) friend for their first. If anyone wants to join, I'm making it a fb event!

January 20th - running a half marathon with a friend...her first as well!

February 17th - marathon #3

April - looking for another marathon

June 9th - marathon #4 with my sister in law!! Her first!

September - Top of Utah Marathon #5 with cousin for his first!

October - hike Grand Canyon Rim to Rim with Hubby! (23miles)

December - another marathon. I have one in mind....just have to get hubby on board ;)

Another one??

It's official...I've lost my mind. I now have signed up and paid for 3 more marathons! What am I thinking??? I have one in June 2013 with my awesome sister in law, one in February ANNNND one in 4 weeks!! Last week was hard. I was getting bored with the fact I still have a couple months of training til my next marathon. Soooo....i found another and signed up. I'm excited for it. Mainly so I can apply what I learned from my first and hopefully I will feel better.  Thats my main focus. I know what I can do, just need to feel better and I'll be happy.

What have I been up to? I took about 2 weeks off after my marathon and then hit the pavement. I've been feeling so good with training. My times are a lot faster too. I'm very pleased with that. I started mountain biking and I think thats helped me get stronger.

I ran a 5k this past Saturday and I finally got under the 24 minute mark! It was kind of a special run.  I ran this same exact race one month after I started running. My time then was 31 minutes and 13 seconds. My time Saturday was 23 minutes, 50 seconds :)

I had a long run yesterday and now I'm on to tapering. I really hope to keep this blog going. I just seem so busy and I have to update from my phone...which is frustrating  I'm hoping for a Sunday weekly post...don't hold me to it ;)

Happy One Year!!!

I know I've talked about my journey a lot on this blog. But I'm going to start from the beginning again. I want to write my whole story in one place. Now that the year has come and gone, I'm very excited to share what I've learned! Let's begin!

Growing up and all through high school I was always in great shape. I played volleyball for many, many years competitively. After graduating high school I played one year of college ball and that year was the year I was in the best shape of my life. We got worked hard, lifting, sprints, and sport specific training. But, I also believe this is when my depression hit. It may have hit in high school as well. But looking back I may have always had some sort of it. (I haven't been “titled” depression but this is the word I use to describe me.) After getting marriage in 2007, I feel it only got worse. My husband and I struggled, as most newly weds do, to get along. We fought a lot. By the time I was married, which was a year after quitting volleyball I had gained weight. Not much....but still it was there. Let's give the numbers. In college, I was 125lbs. Shortly before I was married I was 132lbs. 6 months after being married we got pregnant. NOT planned. As with all pregnancies, I gained weight. At 9 months pregnant I was 163lbs. Not bad, a 31 lbs gain. During my pregnancy, I became very hard to live with. Looking back, I don't do well with hormones. I turned crazy(er). I was very angry all the time. I yelled a lot. And the fighting with my husband got worse. After having my baby, I lost all my weight. ALL of it. I fit into my pre pregnancy clothes again just within 2 weeks after delivering! A few months went by and with all the hardships of having a newborn and being a first time mommy and having a marriage that was difficult, I started to gain weight. I really can't think of a word that best describes how I was. I was mean. Very mean! I was short tempered and never happy. My husband has said that no matter what he did, he was always wrong. If he did something right, it was still wrong. If he did it wrong, he was wrong. Probably about a year or year and a half after having my baby, I weighed 145lbs. (Remember my “perfect” weight was 125lbs. This was 20lbs heavier. Big deal right? It's just 20lbs. You'd be surprised at what 20lbs looks like. I was officially in my darkest days. I began to be abusive to my husband. Physically and verbally. It's very hard for me to talk about and looking back, I really want to believe that it didn't happen. How could I have gotten so mean? This was about the time that I left him. I wanted a divorce. I figured he was my problem. He made me this way so if I left him, I would be back to happy. I wasn't. I got sadder. Not as mad/angry. Just sad because of how I was the WHOLE marriage. 2 years of being mean, angry, demanding, always thinking bad things were going on. It was a very hard way to live. But being away from him, I actually had my eyes opened. I realized that the problem was me. I say I was mean and angry but that's me looking back and realizing. But at that time, I didn't know it was my fault. We were separated for 6 weeks. We got back together and went to counseling for a little while. But by then, I knew what was wrong. Me. I didn't want to keep paying $80 for an hour session once a week. So we stopped going to counseling. Things were a lot better now. We were able to have a conversation without fighting. We went out on dates. It was like a normal marriage. It was awesome! But...I still felt those bad feelings. At times I really had to use self control to not yell and scream in situations like I would have before. My husband then pointed out that I needed something to make me happy. He mentioned trying out medicine. I thought long and hard about it...but I knew it wasn't for me. I didn't like the thought of having to pop pills to help me be happy. I totally understand that people use them and it's awesome how the medicine can help...it just wasn't for ME. I was too prideful to take them. I wanted to fix me. And it was then that I started the search. I tried baking. I just felt fatter eating cookies. I tried scrap booking. But that was time consuming. I turned to my Heavenly Father. I began pleading and begging to find my “happy” What could make me happy. I spent the next 2 ½ years searching. It was a hard search. I cried nightly because of how badly I wanted to be happy. Within this time, I wanted another baby. My first child was almost 2 years old and I didn't want a huge age difference between the two. My husband said that once I lose all my extra weight, we could try for another baby. (He was only trying to help motivate me to lose:) I had told him I wanted to get back down to 125lbs. So I tried and tried. Sort of. I started one workout and did it for a few weeks, then it stopped. I'd pick it back up and same thing, after a few weeks I stopped. It was hard though. Being a mom to a young child, I had a hard time getting “me time.” So, I dropped the goal and ended up getting pregnant. I was still at 145lbs, never losing weight while working out. In my second pregnancy, I got up to 176lbs. After having my baby I was 162lbs and this time the weight didn't fall off like my first pregnancy. My 25^th birthday was coming up and for about a month before my birthday, I had this feeling that this was the year. This was the year my life was going to change. I was for once excited for my birthday. What was going to make this so special for me? I had no idea. But I knew in my heart something huge was going to happen. I randomly heard about a 5k race nearby and I, for some reason, wanted to run it. I was NOT a runner. I ran track in high school, but I was a sprinter. Long distance is something completely opposite! And I had tried to run several times since having my first child, but it was HARD and it HURT. So I never stuck with it. But for some reason, I had this feeling that I needed to do this 5k. So I talked to my husband and we both signed up. I was scared to death!! What did I just do!? I never in my life have ran more than a mile. And worst of all....I HATED RUNNING!! As I prepared for this 5k race, I had no idea what I was doing. I started out running 1 minute, walking 1 minute. And with each new week I added a minute to the running and left the 1 minute walking. After 3 weeks of this, I realized my 5k race was a week away and I hadn't even ran more that 1 mile. So, The Wednesday before, I pushed myself to 2 miles. And I think this is where I got a little hit with the “bug.” After finishing a very hard 2 miles, I bawled. Yes, a lot! I was so shocked and so proud that I actually hit the 2 mile point! I was beyond excited! That feeling of finishing something that seemed impossible is beyond words. It's an addictive feeling too. Anyway, Saturday morning, race day, came and my husband and I arrived at the starting line. We did a little warming up but I was extremely nervous! I wanted to do well. I didn't want to fail. I am not a good loser. I'm to competitive to lose. I had a goal to not walk at all in the race AND.....to beat my husband. He's always been a faster runner...he is a foot taller so I blame his stride haha The gun went off and without even knowing, my life changed. The feeling I had during this run was incredible. I past a lot of other runners and we all smiled at each other and said our “good jobs” “keep it up” way to go” and I felt amazing. I finally had a place to put my competitive heart. As I turned the corner and saw the finish line, I started to cry. The feeling you get when you see the finishing line is beyond words. I tried to gather myself because there were people around the finish. I wiped away my tears and finished. I got lots of high fives and words of encouragement. I seriously felt amazing. Like I had just won the whole race. I was on top of the world! I achieved my goals too. I didn't walk and I beat my husband. We decided to stick around for the awards ceremony. Just for fun. I knew I wasn't no where as fast as some of the others, plus I really didn't know how it worked. I didn't know they did it by gender and age group. I ended up getting second place for my age group! WHAT!? I, of course, started crying. I tried sooo hard to keep those emotions covered but I'm sure everyone saw. This is when I knew I had found MY HAPPY. I'm so incredibly grateful to my Heavenly Father for leading me in this direction. I know I couldn't have done it without Him. All my prayers had been answered that race day morning. He knew how badly I wanted to be happy and how I needed something to help. After this race, I decided to take a year and work on myself. To become to happiest I could be. I decided to push myself to run a half marathon. Through that training, I saw my life, my attitude changing. But I also saw the pounds literally falling off. I started this running weighing around 163lbs and by the time I was ran my half marathon, I weighed 130lbs! I had reached my goal weight just 3 months after starting to run! This definitely kept me running. Who would have known just 3 more months I would be down another 10 pounds! I am still amazed at how fast my weight dropped. But in a way I'm not too surprised. I really pushed myself hard. I did lots of speed training and I ate right. I didn't eat a whole lot of junk. I tried to cut out soda, fast food, sweets, all of that. Notice I said “tried” it's not easy. But I think my running out did the junk food so it didn't have an affect on me. Anyway, after running my half marathon I realized how far I had come in just 3 months. So I wanted to push myself more. At this time, I also met a new friend. I found out she had ran 27 marathons and I was blown away. Someone can run that many in a lifetime?? Then she went on to tell me that there are crazier people out there who have ran many more than her. I wanted to be a crazy! So, off I went, training for a full marathon!! 26.2 miles!

Since January, my life has changed so much. I've had my eyes opened to little life changing experiences. One example is on my baby's first birthday I had my sister videotape the gift opening. I wanted to take pictures and my husband was helping open the presents. I can't remember what happened, I think my husband wasn't doing it “right” so I took over. It was then that something happened. I can't remember what made me mad, but I was a little. Seriously, just a little bugged. But when I saw that part on video, yep, you guessed it. I cried. I couldn't believe how “ugly” I looked. I was shocked. But I also was able to see how pretty I was too. I've always had confidence issues and never thought I was pretty. But I saw it. From that point on, I tried my hardest to not get mad because I really got embarrassed about how I looked. I wish everyone could have that opportunity to see themselves mad. I guarantee people would be a whole lot happier. Also along this journey I have learned to cut out negativity in my life. I dwell on negativity and it eats me inside and then I become bitter and angry. I had an experience once where something bad happened. Something unfair. It wasn't to me though. I felt horrible for this person and couldn't believe it actually happened. BUT here's the thing. I felt happy inside. Not because of this unfair situation, just because I was doing well in my own life. But I chose to sit and dwell and be bitter about this certain unfair situation. And I literally saw my day go from happy let's go out and play to....I don't want to do anything so I'm going to sit on the couch and watch movies with my kids all day. Pathetic! I learned that I can't let someone else or anything else affect my happy. I can't sit and dwell on negativity.

I sit here and reflect on this year. I had a lot of supporters and also some doubters. I so wish I could see their faces now that I have finished what I set out to do. I ran a flippen marathon!! 26.2 miles!! And you know what?? I would do it over and over and over again. The way this running journey has changed me, I would do it 1,000 times over again. It's been a long year full of everything. Happiness, successes, failures, weight loss, learning about nutrition, lots and lots of research online, drama, hurt feelings, learning from the hurt feelings, and then finishing my ultimate goal, running a marathon. I'm so glad that this year is over. I feel I have gained a lot more respect from people. And that is a great feeling because of so many haters that didn't think I'd do it. I also love the fact that the marathon is over because I feel I can help out so many more people. I seriously want to share everything I know to every one! Running is my life and it's changed me into a person that I only dreamed of.

On to the nutrition side of all this. I have learned SOO much about nutrition. I didn't really know anything about it before this. I think I only ate 1000-1200 calories a day and drank 16oz of water a day. BAD!! It all makes sense thought. The lack of energy, the bad attitude, the headaches...all from poor nutrition. The calories I did consume during the day were bad. Normally skipped breakfast, had a small lunch, some junk food, and then a dinner. With all this training, I got up to eating nearly 4000 calories a day, mostly healthy foods. I say mostly because of traveling or laziness we'd eat out. As I traveled through this journey, I learned how to eat and take care of myself. I feel soo much better now. I'll admit, I do have days when I make poor food decisions but I feel HORRIBLE. Not horrible because I know better, physically and mentally horrible because I don't function well. I'm more irritable, emotional, and lazy. It's an amazing lesson to learn. But I know that eating healthy, and I don't mean EXTREME....no white sugar, no flour, no junk ever...just limit yourself and eat more fruits and vegetables. It's a lifestyle change...not a 3 month diet you're bound to fail. Start slowly getting ride of the soda, fast food, candy...stuff like that and start adding in the healthier foods. It REALLY makes a difference.

I know that by me going through this journey I can reach out and help anyone who needs it. If you have any ounce of desire to change your life or to lose weight I am here! I honestly love helping others get started and seeing them succeed! I have free advice and free encouragement. Don't ever hesitate to ask!

I'm mean this when I say it...If I, Emily Toone Buck, can run a marathon, I PROMISE that anyone can! Live by these three words. Dedication, Determination, and Discipline!!!

And now time for the Before and After Photos!!

AFTER!!

Marathon!!

Why hello blogging world!! Did you miss me?? Sorry I haven't posted in FOREVER! It's been a long few months with hard, hard training! But, now that I'm done with the marathon and BOTH my kids are taking naps, I have a few minutes to share a quick summary of my marathon.

I woke up early Saturday morning to get ready. I walked down to the bus loading zone to meet some friends. After finding a few of them we loaded up and rode the bus to the start. With there being nearly 7400 people running I didn't get to sit next to anyone I knew. I felt lonely and a little nervous. As we got off the bus I headed over to the bathrooms and made one last bathroom stop before running. The start was kind of rushed so I didn't really get to take in all that was going on. We lined up and the race started. It was really cold out with a nice strong tailwind which helped push through the first 6 miles. At mile 7.5 was the start of the dreaded Veyo hill. This hill was a mile long at according to my GPS watch was about a 7% incline. It was tough but I made it through and felt great. I hit the half way point at 1hr and 50minutes. A 8'23 average pace. I was very happy with that. I felt great until mile 18. Then I started getting really mentally weak. I had distractions and wasn't really focused. I was searching and searching to see my family in the crowd but couldn't find them. That was extremely hard. I really needed to see a familiar face. It would have given me that lift I needed to push harder. By mile 23 I wanted to stop. My muscles began to hurt really bad and started cramping. I was just waiting for charlie horses to enter my entire body. Around mile 24.5 I got one. It was in my right calf and it made my toes curl under and wouldn't release for a few minutes. I stopped and tried to relax and stretch it out but nothing worked. I decided instead of wasting time, I'd continue running. I ran for about a half mile with my toes cramped up. It was such a weird feeling, but it finally relaxed and I started to run normal again. I felt like I was the only one on the course. I didn't really notice the spectators. I felt very alone and very depressed. I kept looking for my family or for someone willing to help push me the last 1 1/5 miles, but no one was in sight. I kept pushing though, forgot about how much I had left and zoned out. I thought about the finish line and what is was going to be like. I turned a corner and saw the finish. It was the last .2 of the marathon. That was THE HARDEST PART! As I made my way down, I saw the pacer for the 4 hour mark pass me. I could have died. I sooo wanted to be under 4hours and it crushed me as she past. I was mad. Mad that I couldn't go any faster. I was just waiting to hit the wall big time. The wall is when your body literally feels like you hit a wall. It locks up and you can't move. Basically one big charlie horse. I felt it coming every time I picked up the pace or got excited for the finish. I literally had to think of nothing. I crossed the finish, got my medal, and found some chocolate milk. My most favorite thing in the entire world! My phone had died during the race because Tanner and I kept calling each other trying to find one another, so I asked a volunteer if I could use her phone. I told Tanner where I was and I just sat in the grass. As I sat down my body got so tight. Soon, all my family found me and got me up to find a better spot to relax. My older brother Tim and his wife Christina, who is a physical therapist finishing up school, helped massage my muscles and stretched me out. I was soo grateful they were there. I would have been a ball in the corner dying if not for them. After a little while of relaxing we went to go find something to eat, but I had no appetite. The only thing that sounded good was the chocolate milk. So I had more. We hung around for a little while but ended up leaving for lunch. While at lunch I talked to Tanner a little and just started bawling. I was so upset that I didn't get under the 4 hour mark. I know I was only off by 3 minutes, but 3 minutes is a long time. After crying it out I felt a little better, hate how that works. Tanner told me how awesome it was to see me running with all those other people and how great I looked. That really made me happy. He doesn't say things like that often so when he does it makes everything worth it. We headed home to AZ and I was so achy. My quads, hamstrings, knees, and abs were incredibly sore. We stopped in Flagstaff to eat dinner and getting out of the car was the hardest thing ever. I literally had to use my arms to move my legs. It was wild.

As I sit here a few days later, I reflect on this past year. It's been a crazy ride getting here but I'm so glad I did it. I learned many lessons, especially from the marathon itself.

Things I learned from the race:

Get there early to enjoy the atmosphere.

Plan on going to bed every day early the week before the race. (I tried to, but my kids didn't cooperate.)

For a first time marathoner...pick a near by race. Pick a flat course. And if you train with someone, run

with someone during the marathon.

Don't plan on seeing family during the race. If you expect to see them and you don't, it takes a huge tole on you. If you do get to see them and didn't know it was going to be happen it will be an awesome lift.

When you feel yourself mentally losing it, pull over and stop for a minute. Gather your thoughts and remember WHY you are doing it.

In training, plan to run a 22-24 mile training run. I really wanted to do this in my training but for a few reasons it didn't happen. I truly think it would have helped me the last 3 or 4 miles of the race.

I'm feeling better about my finishing time now. I'm not 100% happy with it but at least I didn't quite. And I've signed up for another race in February and a potential 3^rd marathon in June with my sister-in-law!

I plan to write more about this past year and what I've learned about life in another post on my birthday. Along with before and after photos. I'm hoping to get some photos from the marathon soon to post as well.

I really want to be better at keeping track of my trainings on the blog. Things just got really difficult during this training and blogging didn't happen. I hope to manage things better and not let things affect me so much in a negative way. I'm very glad my first marathon is out of the way because of so many reasons. I was doubted a lot during training by others and I let that affect me. So now that I've already done one, I won't worry about what others say. ESPECIALLY opinions from those who have never ran a marathon.

I'm so excited to be where I am. I absolutely love helping anyone who has a desire to run. ANYONE can do it, you just have to have that desire. Thank you to all of you who helped me along this journey. The emails telling me that I helped inspire you to get your running shoes on and get out REALLY helped push me to continue. That has to be the best feeling ever. Knowing that something has changed me life so much but then that my story is helping others makes it sooo much sweeter.  

Goals?

It seems I've been reading and finding a lot of new blogs lately. Running blogs. I love it! It also seems that on those blogs their specific goals are mentioned. It's got me thinking a lot about what I'm wanting to do after my marathon in October!

When I started running back in October 2011 I never really thought I'd ACTUALLY run a marathon. I had planned to run a half in about 6 months but thought that would be enough. Ended up running a half marathon 3 months after starting to run (2hr 12min) and after running that I became addicted and fell in love with long distance running! Before that October I had never ran more than a mile. And that was 5 years before. :) My journey feels very fast but I feel so strong and so happy.

When I decided to run a full marathon, I signed up with a running friend and she had mentioned hopes of running to qualify for Boston. To qualify for that, I'd have to run a marathon under 3 hours and 35 minutes (average pace of 8'12 a mile.) I was all for it. I'm very competitive and love the push. We set out and after a few weeks I needed to change my schedule due to night runs and morning runs being to close in time. No recovery time. We decided to train on our own. I pushed myself hard for a while and then with stupid hormones I got really discouraged. With my monthly hormones, my runs become 100x's harder. Legs cramp up really bad and hurt to run. And then my shins got horrible. I set out one day for a 10 mile run, normally I'm fine running 10 miles. But with the hormones and shin splints, I ran very slow for 4 miles. In horrific pain. I cut that run short and rested the day after. I couldn't believe how hard that week before was and then having my worse run ever on what should have been a 10 miler. Ugh. It was heartbreaking. I thought about quitting and not showing up for my marathon. I was so discouraged and thought these shin splints would never go away. I've had them for 2-3 months now. Such a pain. So after dealing with that, I turned to the internet for motivation. I found lots of youtube videos that inspired me to keep running and training hard. But I also found this...

Never let your competitive mind overpower your enjoyment. When you're happy and relaxed, you're a better runner and you'll find that you won't need competitive thoughts to motivate you. Competitive thoughts lead to stress and sometimes feelings of self-doubt and judgment

That hit me hard. I wasn't enjoying my runs anymore and hadn't for a while. I got stressed out way too easily and just wasn't happy. I found this saying about a week ago and after reading it my runs haven't been the same. Yesterday, for example, I ran 16 miles!!! SIXTEEN! That's the most I've ever ran in my life! And guess what?? I LOVED every minute of it. I felt so strong and so relaxed to be out running. I had an average pace of 9'14 per mile even. On a hilly route! I was thrilled! Never did I tire out or walk. I stopped twice for water though. But never stopped my clock. So even with the breaks and huge hills, I still had a great pace! Finally! I was able to enjoy running again and had a nice therapy session :) (that's what I call my running...therapy sessions. Dang depression haha) (I should also mention...my shin splints are GONE! I seriously thought I had stress fractures and I wasn't going to be able to run for months...but after much research on google...I read about compression socks. I decided to go try some on and see what they were all about. After trying one on, I was in love. As soon as the sock was on, no shin pain. Not even when I touched my shin. That's how bad these things where. Pain 24/7 and if anyone touched my shins, I was throwing punches! I bought the socks and after ONE week of wearing them only during my runs, NO PAIN! AT all! Amazing! They are not the prettiest looking, they are socks that go up to the knee...but I'm sort of used to long socks due to all my years of playing volleyball....that's the only socks we wore.)

ANYWAY, got off topic! Back to my goals! Like I mentioned...I had wanted to qualify for the Boston Marathon. And although I still really would LOVE to do that, I'm trying to relax and train but not over do it. If I'm not stressed about times, I don't over do it and then I actually do better! So it still may be a possibility BUT I won't be devastated if I don't make it this marathon. (I would have been 2 weeks ago.) I'm still going to train as hard as I can just to get into the best shape I can. 

Other goals are:

Hike the Grand Canyon...rim to rim in one day. It's about a 22-24 mile hike. If I can run a marathon...I can hike one too, right? I hear it's tough but I love having things to train for! (My husband may even do this one with me!) Thinking fall 2013.

5k race under 20 minutes. My first 5k was October 22nd, 3 weeks after I started running. It's what got me hooked! I ran it in 31 minutes and 13 seconds. My last race was May 12th and finished in 24 minutes and 22 seconds. I wasn't really training hard to get faster, it just happened as I got more into higher miles. So after this marathon I can actually train for speed. 

Motivate a family member to run a half/full marathon. I'm hoping to get my sister! She just recently had a baby and wants her pre-baby body back! Running is how I lost all my weight and it's helped my crazy depression. She doesn't seem to be suffering from depression, but running is still amazing and I want to share that! :)

Bigger/crazier goals:

Run a marathon in every state. 

Complete an Ironman! 

Goals are very fun to have and when I first started running, running a marathon was crazy. I told people and they would laugh and say I couldn't do it. They said it nicer than that...but basically what they meant haha and every time I think about crossing the finish line for my marathon I begin to tear up. I'm SOOO excited! I cannot wait!! 

Weekly Miles

This week was way better than last! I ran a total of 41 miles!! New record for me!

Monday- off due to shin pain from the horrible run the day before.
Tuesday - 8 miles 1hr 11 min
Wednesday - 4 mile run 36 min also did a 3 mile hike with the fam.
Thursday - only 2 miles in....crazy day but ran uphill for 1/4 mile and then back down. Repeated 4 times. It was crazy hard!
Friday - rest
Saturday - 8 miles @pace 1hr 6min
Sunday - 16 miles!! 2hrs 27min!

Todays run was another record! 16 miles!! I can't believe I did it and without dying! I felt really good actually and I even took a very hilly route! I was very proud of myself. I can't believe I made it! And with a great pace too! Right around 9'14 per mile. It was awesome! I'm very comfortable around the 9 minute mile pace. When I get under 8 though, my legs burn and I start to wear out. I think in reality, I'd be perfectly happy not qualifying for Boston and having an average pace of 8'30/9 minutes. Although thay 8'30 is super close to the Boston qualifying pace....we'll see :)

Weekly Miles

I'm a week behind on posting. I'm kind of torn on whether or not I want to continue posting...but I really want to. I have 2 1/2 months until my 1 year anniversary of starting to work out. I started doing this for me and so I will continue doing this for me.

Week of  7/9 - 7/15 Miles
Monday: 2 miles
Tuesday: 4 miles (speed training)
Wednesday - 3 miles
Thursday: 4 miles (more speed training)
Friday off
Saturday: 7 miles
Sunday: 4 miles (Horrible run)

I don't want to go into much detail about this week. It was one of my worst weeks ever. I felt like quitting. My body was so achy and heavy while running. Come to find out...it was just hormones. Ugh. 2 weeks out of the month are horrible for training. Some times I really hate being a girl!

Luckily this week is a whole lot better! I bought some compression socks to help with my shin splints. They help out a lot! I'm very happy I bought some! They were $35 but whatever. They help out a TON!

On to this week. I'm feeling 100x's better this week! Very excited for my marathon! I have about 2 1/2 months to prepare. I'm starting to get really serious about training and recovery. I've added in some strength training this week. I feel that will help me be stronger in the race. Today is my rest day and so glad it is. I'm feeling pretty sore...but that's a good feeling. I think I need to stretch a whole lot more. It'll probably help with the tightness/soreness I'm feeling.

I'm having a lot of fun on this journey. I was talking to my husband last night about this upcoming marathon and how huge of an event it is in my life right now. Back in high school I remember hearing about marathons and thinking about the type of people who ran them were. Crazies! Not human. Just seemed so unreal that people ran that much...didn't find out about the ultramarathons until recently...CRAZY! Anyway, I was saying that for me to be doing this now is almost like a dream come true. Sort of. I've though about doing a marathon lots before, but obviously that was just a thought. And to actually be doing it and getting closer to the actual race....I can't find words to express my feelings. I feel on top of the world. I feel strong and I like the comments from people who call me crazy. You kind of have to be a little crazy to want to run 26.2 miles! I'm so excited and I'm starting to find my running grove again. I've felt for a while now that running is now a must or a chore. I don't like that at all. I've relaxed a little and can now enjoy running as my release. I switched up my running days and now training on my own. It's nice to get lost in my runs. Hit that runners high and sort of do my own thing. No disrespect what so ever to my training friend....just nice to be alone while running.

People keep asking if I've lost anymore weight. ARE YOU CRAZY? haha If I lose anymore weight, I wouldn't be strong enough to run 10+ miles! I've actually gained 2 pounds and thinking 125 pounds is a perfect weight for me. I was kind of sad about it...but I'd rather be strong than "skinny" If I'm skinny I don't have strength to do much. I eat 3000-3500 calories a day....I need all those calories for my training. If I didn't eat that much...I wouldn't be able to train. And then depression would probably take over again. Vicious cycle. But it is what it is. I'm happy about my body...mostly...but I have 2 1/2 months to get it to where I'm completely happy about it. And I can get there! I'm so excited about all that's coming. Just need to speed up time! :)

Weekly Miles

Monday - 3 26 min
Tuesday - 7 1hr 1 min
Wednesday - 3 27 min
Thursday - 3 pace run - 23 min
Friday - off
Saturday - 7 1hr 3min
Sunday - 14!! 2hr 6min!
Total - 37 miles!!

I had a great week this week, this being two weeks ago! I'm very proud of my 14 mile time and pace. Averaged around a 9 min mile!  I'm feeling stronger.

This week I've changed up some things, I'll post about that tomorrow! It's been fun, but very challenging! It's worn me out, mainly due to hormones and no desire to eat...so no fuel for running. I lost motivation a lot this week. But like I just said...dang hormones and low calorie intake. I know it'll be better this next week. Just frustrating at the moment. Anyway, more on that tomorrow!

Happy 9 Months!

I'm allowed to have monthly anniversary's for running, right? This month marks 9 months of running. I cannot believe where I am now. There are no words for it. I've always been very competitive and good with sports. I know my limits and I know how to push myself to those limits and become better. Never in a MILLION years did I think I would be here! EVER!! I'm so over whelmed with excitement. 9 Months ago, on October 11, 2011 I set out to run a mile. Back in high school I could run a mile under 7 minutes. But I never ran more than that mile. This October night, I couldn't run/walk that mile in 12 minutes. There were lots of tears shed. I couldn't believe where I was. How fat I was. How did I let myself get there! It was hard. Looking back, it was harder to be fat than to run as much as I run now. There is seriously something that kicks in after running 5 miles. I can remember my first 5 miler, 6 miler, 7 miler, 8 miler, 9 miler, 10 miler, 11 miler, and 13 miler! With each one, after finishing the run I celebrated with tears of excitement and satisfaction. I couldn't believe I had just gone that far. Me! I'm not a long distance runner! For the first time ever this past Saturday on my 13 mile run, I felt like a runner. And boy, did I LOVE that feeling! I've always been inspired by runners and thought those who ran were superheros. And to be one of them...I feel somewhat like a superhero. I'm so excited for this Saturday's run. And then next Saturday's run. This Saturday is 14 miles and then next is 16! SIXTEEN!!! Holy cow! I feel amazing. I feel so strong and so happy.

I was thinking today about how I was able to FINALLY keep myself going. I'm a visual person. I like to SEE results. I took my starting measurements and also photos. Yes, it SUCKED! But now I get to look at this and REMEMBER where I was and why I started!

So glad that before photo is no where near what I feel and look like today!

I also get motivated by quotes. And where does one turn for that? PINTEREST! Here are some that helped inspire me!

Really take a minute and think about the quotes. It gets you hard.

Back in October 2011, I decided to take a year and focus on me. And thus far I've lost 35 pounds, training for a marathon, and honestly the happiest I've ever been. You have to find something you love and do it! If you really want it, you won't find an excuse. You have to remember why you started and know it's going to be hard. But it will be worth it!

Happy 9 months to me! :) To celebrate how about a 14 mile run this weekend!?! Ah! :)