What A Year

I can't believe I've gone since December without posting anything on here.

Where to even begin? This year has been such a crazy ride. I've accomplished a lot and I should be proud of myself, but I'm not. I've been fighting depression since finishing my first marathon in October last year. Things have been so all over the place and I`ve felt somewhat like I am drowning.

I have accomplished a lot, finished 6 marathons and 5 weeks out from my next marathon, I've hit PR's for certain distances, had really good training weeks....but there's still something missing. This past week has been a week of reflection and reevaluation. Going over my past trainings and looking at the weeks and months and figuring out why I'm where I'm at.

I've had lots of good and even amazing runs....but as a whole, I've been so inconsistent and random. When I first started running and up until my first marathon, I was able to beat depression and enjoy running where now, I feel like running is a chore. Or I have to keep doing it because (insert reasons here). When I first started running, I just ran. Ran to how I felt. I honestly can say that I'm in worse shape (meaning in my own opinion) today than I was after finishing my first marathon.

As I reflected this week, it hit me. I was no longer running for me but to try and impress people. I'm totally embarrassed by this, but it's the truth. It all started because of social media. I would post my runs and all about them and then all the opinions came pouring in. The good opinions and compliments but also the bad, negative comments. I started doing things according to what others said. Stated relying on their experiences and advice rather than my own. I absolutely love reading, weird because those words have never come out of my mouth before, and figuring out myself the ways to train or do something. But instead I listened to people who had no idea how I trained or knew what really turned me on to running. As this happened, things started to get ugly and I started, emotionally, heading back to where I was before I even started running. And that was a place I swore I never would go back to. But it was such a gradual thing that I didn't even realize this falling backwards until last week. It was a week from you know where. One of my worst weeks ever. I'm embarrassed by it. But I'm letting it be an eye opener and a lesson.

I made all these goals for this year, including a 100 mile race. But the more I think about that....that's not what I WANT to do. (Especially since the race was around a 1 MILE LOOP course and you run until you're done. Not my idea of fun. Seriously.) So I've canceled those, thankfully I hadn't paid for anything yet! I do have plans to one day Do a 50 mile trail run, not a loop course haha but for now, my biggest goals are those related with speed. I want to get a sub 20 minute 5k and a qualifying time for Boston.

I love pushing myself and seeing how fast I can go. Of course I would get upset when I didn't perform my best and didn't hit my goal pace and I was told quite often that pace doesn't matter and to let go of it. So I tried it for a few months and come to find out, I like pushing my pace and pushing to see what I can do. That's what makes me feel good. I feel strong.

I went trail running today, my first time, and I pushed myself. Trail running is way harder than road running, especially where I live. The roads are flat for miles and miles and miles. So running on hills, up and down, is way more difficult. But I absolutely loved it. I loved that near barf feeling after pushing hard uphill and then the legs about to give out feeling when running downhill. That's who I am. I like it and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

It's time to get back on track and do what I love to do and forget what others say or think.

The craziest part of this year is just realizing how subtle this all came on. I never used to care what others opinions were. I disconnected from the social media and just did me. Time to get back to that. Especially since it's not just me that's being affected by this, but my family as well.

Sorry if this post is kind of all over the place. There's lots going on but I felt the need to write it down. <3

Marathon #2 Story!!

After finishing my first marathon on October 6, 2012 I was very discouraged. I felt MISERABLE. My muscles were cramping horribly and I was CRYING. Not happy tears. Sad, mad, disappointed...you name it. Is that how running marathons are supposed to be? You set a goal to reach and when you don't reach it, you are miserable?? About a month later I got to thinking. I wanted to redeem myself. I didn't know if it was too soon to run another marathon but I felt I needed to. You see, ever since that finish I struggled to find my love for running. It became a chore. Something I HAD to do. Like a job. It sucked to be quit honest. I met a great friend around this time and talked to her about my desire to run another marathon. She ran her first marathon in March 2012 and just finished her 5^th one! She runs one about every other month. Being inspired by this I signed up for another. I had about a month before race day so I did what I could. I was nervous!!! What did I just sign up for?? I was soo MISERABLE after my first WHY IN THE WORLD would I even THINK about doing another. But like I said, I felt a marathon shouldn't feel like that and I wanted redemption. I had a lot to over come in this month prior to the race. I suffered severe muscles cramps from mile 18-26.2 in my first marathon. Not to even mention the mental side. I was a mess! I'm honestly surprised that I finished. Honestly. It was bad. About this time I met a great group of friends from ALL over the world. We all bonded so fast and became a very tight family. I got advice on mental toughness and how to overcome the dreaded wall in the marathon. These friends each picked a few miles of the race and wrote me inspiring words, funny jokes, and motivating words. I bawled like a baby when I found this post. I had no idea. I have never had friends that gave me this kind of support. I felt so special and so ready to rock this marathon.

Marathon weekend. We dropped my girls off at my parent's house and headed over to my great friend Christine's home. For the past 4 weeks she had been giving me massages! Talk about an AWESOME friend!! I am truly blessed to have had her. I definitely feel the massages helped my legs feel 100x's better this time around...but I'll talk about that later! :) After the wonderful relaxing massage, my husband and I headed to Tucson. Tucson is about a 2/2 ½ hour drive from where I live. This weekend was about having fun. I didn't want to have any negativity and drama that I did last time. (Don't get me wrong...I had a ton of fun with my family and really enjoyed the experience...but it wasn't AMAZING like I was expecting. I mean come on...running 26.2 miles is pretty flippen amazing...but it didn't feel that way) ANYWAY...haha...We got to the check in spot and walked around for a little while. I'm not a huge fan of expos...just a bunch of over priced gear and what not. But I got my bib and we headed out to drive the course. I loved just being about to look at everything around me. (when we drove the course for my first marathon...we had the kids in the car...AHHH!!! I about ripped my hair out!!) It was so nice to have a quiet car and just relax. We found the starting point and drove back out to the finish. After finishing there we headed out to find our hotel. Unfortunately the hotel I booked way pretty far away. We talked to the manager and he let us cancel without charge. So after doing that we drove back and found a nice hotel about 10 minutes away from the bus loading zone. Now for my last marathon (sorry I'm comparing so much between the two...but hopefully you'll get the point by the end.) I didn't sleep AT ALL the night before. Maybe 30 minutes. This time I got a GREAT 4 FULL HOURS!! So silly how amazing that was! I woke up around 2am and was just awake. I laid around until about 3:15AM and then got up to get ready. I was PUMPED! I was sooo excited. I was singing and dancing...now remember this was 3 IN THE MORNING! I'm NOT a morning person. I KNEW it was going to be an AMAZING day. My husband dropped me off at the buses, told me I was amazing...with a little prying by me haha...and then I was off. As I walked to the buses all alone, I decided to talk to everyone around me. I didn't do this last time and I felt very lonely. There were these 2 guys just behind me, so I turned to say hello. I asked them all sorts of questions and we had a good small conversation. I noticed one of them wasn't wearing any running clothes and had flip flops odd...found this to be odd...but he did have a pretty good backpack on so I figured he'd change on the bus. As we walked to the start of the buses I noticed that the end buses were school buses but the ones up front were nice charter buses! We had a heater and our own bathroom!!! AMAZING! (In St George we rode up in freezing cold school buses and I had to wait in a HUGE line to go potty...almost missed the start because of how long I waited. I think I waited around 20 minutes to go potty.) We got to sit on the bus until about 20 minutes til start. AMAZING!! Once I got off I hurried to get my drop bag ready to go and then walked towards the starting line. I figured I'd try to hit around the 4 hour mark again and just see what happens. The ONLY thing I was nervous about was the dreaded wall. I hit it hard at mile 18 in my first and suffered all the way til the finish. NOT AMAZING. Hahaha As we lined up they played the national anthem and did a countdown from 10. Normally that's when the adrenaline and nerves hit me. But not today. I was relaxed, had a smile on my face, and ready to LOVE running again. As we started and as the crowd spread out a little, I met some friends, Lynn and Dave. This was Lynn's 9^th marathon and Dave's 63^rd!! Dave had to be in his 60's!! Anyway, we asked what our hopeful finishing time was and both Lynn and I said to finish with a smile! I loved her! As we continued running I saw my friend I met on the bus. The one with flip flops and shorts on. Ya, guess what...he was running BAREFOOT. Now, understand there are runners who do that. So I wasn't too shocked...just kind of blown away that I actually saw someone doing it haha about this time I noticed on some of the uphills my heart rate was sky rocketing, so I pulled back. I didn't want to hit that wall at the end! I ended up walking the uphills all through out the race. It felt great. And that's what I wanted. So...around mile 3 I noticed a HUGE puddle of blood on the street and then a trail of blood after that. I thought about my barefoot friend. I thought that maybe he stepped on a sharp rock or something and prayed he was ok. As I continued I noticed blood every once in a while and knew it was bad. About mile 6 I caught up with him. He was walking...with his shoes back on. I stopped and walked with him for a bit. Asked if he was ok. He didn't step on any rock...he had BLISTERS on the bottom of his feet...the WHOLE foot was a blister that had ripped opened! I felt horrible for him. But....then again...he could have worn shoes. I asked if he needed anything and he said he was going to get bused back to the finish. I gave him a high five and a smile and then I headed again. About a mile later I noticed another runner. I felt the urge to talk to him. So I slowed to his pace and said hello. This was his first marathon. I chatted a little, told him my few tips of advice, and then gave him a high five and headed out again. Shortly after....I felt my tummy starting...my dear girlie friend was here to visit and I always get sort of gasy with her in town (hahaha) I had to stop and use the restroom. And of course 5 other people beat me to it. I of course started a conversation with them while we waited. It was fun. Yes, waiting in line to use a portapotty was fun. After starting back running again I felt a TON better. I found another friend to talk to and he was from Berlin! He had a great accent! I always love talking to folks with accents hahaha He told me this was his 29^th marathon, again he had to be in his 50's. He said he was supposed to run the New York Marathon, but obviously didn't because it was canceled to to Hurricane Sandy. He had said he flew in to New York from Berlin the day before the race, got all signed in and then the news of it being canceled came. HOW CRUMMY! So he ended up flying back home and searched for another marathon before the end of the year. I was just lucky enough to chat with him. He ended up heading to the bushes to go potty so I picked back up my pace and headed on. I hit miles 9-13...those were rolling hills. I decided to keep my walking uphill strategy and keep the good feeling going. Pretty slow miles here but still feeling good. After the half way mark, I realized my pace was pretty slow so I decided to pick it up this next half. As I picked up my paces...my tummy started hurting again. So once again I had fun waiting in line for the restroom. Had I only had to go #1 I wouldn't have waited in line...there were big bushes on the side...but this was not the case. Anyway, after that I picked back up and felt good. I started to notice that I was passing a lot of people. As I passed I said a little something and smiled and then kept going. It was fun to give encouraging words. Around mile 15 I wasn't passing anyone and no one was really around to talk to, so I pulled out my music. You better believe I busted out some sweet running dance moves. It was great. The bike patrol people would wave and smile at me. The kids at the water station laughed and we'd bust out a few moves together too. It was great! I made sure that at every water station I thanked the people there. They were volunteering for this. They weren't getting paid. If they weren't there...there would be a lot of runners hurting. So I felt the need to thank them. As I approached the cursed mile 18 I kept telling myself to smile. I high fived the mile marker sign and pushed on. And I continued to high five each mile marker sign until the finish. It was great! I even stopped at mile 20 to pose for a picture. One thing that I noticed in my first marathon is that I looked down a lot. I starred at the street in front of me a lot. So I made it a goal to keep my chin up and look around. I had gotten my phone out to video a few points along the route. It took a lot of time getting in and out of my bad so I kind of stopped for a while and just tried to keep my eyes up and focused. It REALLY helped to do that. Around mile 22 I got my phone back out and right then my husband started calling. He asked where I was and he ended up finding me around mile 23. He was on his mountain bike and he rode to the finish with me. It was soo nice to have that because around mile 24 I started to crash. Not nearly as bad though. Just my legs were getting tired and I kept wanting to walk. And I did. Like I've said before...I wanted to finish with a smile. So I walked and ran the rest of the way. I ran past this really elderly guy and said hello. He had to be in his late 80's. Seriously amazing!! As we turned the corner to head towards mile 26 there was this lady. She looked as though she was struggling. I ran next to her for a bit and kept telling her to not stop. Don't give up. You are ssoooooo close to the finish. You can't stop now...not only was I telling her that, but also myself :) As I headed down the last stretch of the race there were people on both sides. It seemed kind of quiet so I threw up my hands and started cheering. People joined in and I started to get some tears in my eyes. The announcer was saying peoples names as we came in. When he said my name I let out my “Zena Worrier” yell, that I'm very famous for, and finished with a SMILE!! I felt on top of the world!!! I could hardly walk, but I seriously felt AMAZING. THIS IS WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE!!!! Not in tears from being sad and mad.

I'm very proud to say that I achieved my goal. I finished with a smile and I had a TON OF FUN. YES!! 26.2 miles of running was FUN!! I've found my love for running again and couldn't be happier. I can't wait for every marathon to be such a fulfilling reward. Who cares about my pace and my time...for me I need to LOVE what I do. Running is my release, my anti-depressant, my therapy session...and when I'm concerned about time....IT SUCKS!! To each their own. Some people love to win marathons, or hit a certain pace. For me, I'm learning that smiling is my thing.

Another good thing about running slower....I'm not NEARLY as miserably sore!! Ya, sure...I still can't walk down stairs. But it seemed after last marathon I cried when I had to stand up or sit down or take a step. I hurt so incredibly bad. And it wasn't fun! Today I'm feeling sore...but it's sooo worth it for how much fun I had!

On to my nutrition for the race. Last marathon I took GU every couple miles. It helped but it was messy!! I also was very dehydrated. This time I ran with my camelbak. I drank a TON and I know it helped. Sure, you don't need to run with a backpack...but make sure you take your time at the water station. Drink two cups of water/gatorade if need be. I also ditched the GU and took these pills called Endurolytes. They are capsules filled with electrolyte powder. I'm 100% positive these helped me with my cramping. I took one every 20 minutes and I felt great! Even at the end...I'd feel the cramping coming on and notice I was at 15 minutes or so, so I'd pop a pill in and within 3 minutes my legs felt great! I also drank HALF of an energy drink at mile 20. Miles 20-22 my pace was 8:45!! haha but then I hit more uphills and I slowed back down. I think next time around I'm going to save that kick until mile 24!

My next marathon is in 10 weeks!! I'm super excited for training until then. I'm planning to start P90X and get some strong muscles! Wish me luck!!

SMILE EVERONE!!!

(pictures coming in another post!!)

Marathon #2

Well...just about a week away from my next marathon. It's funny how things have changed. This marathon is a turning point in my journey. A turning point back to who I was when I first started running. When I first started running, running became my therapy session, my anti-depressant, my get away from stress...but as training got serious, so did I. There came a point when things changed.  Training started to feel like a competition. It got depressing. I became a different type of runner. And like I've stated in a previous post, I can't be a competitive runner right now. I'm still new to running and my family needs to come first.

ANYWAY, back to the point of this post....this marathon is a turning point back to who I was. My ultimate goal with this marathon is to finish with a smile, not tears. I want to mentally feel better than my first marathon. I just want to enjoy the experience as best as I can and relax about the time. I still have a goal time but it's a little more relaxed.

I'm excited and ready to redeem myself. I know what my body can do, now just need to mentally overcome the obstacles that will come my way...like miles 18-26.2 :)

Wish me luck!!

Run For Fun

These past two weeks I've had some realizations. 1- If I push myself hard and train properly, I could actually qualify for Boston. 2- do I REALLY even care about going and running the Boston Marathon?? And 3- if I push myself hard..my family gets neglected. So starting with #1. I've always known that I was a good athlete. I was good at almost anything....except basketball....but a new sport I tried to play, I caught on fast and was good. Dancing, I love to dance. So why did I think running was any different?? Since starting to run, I haven't had any injuries that benched me, I lost weight super fast, and I can run fast if I train. I like running fast. So qualifying for Boston could happen. Now #2 and #3 sort of go together. Do I really want to qualify and training for it, I push my family to the back burner. I'm a mommy to 2 young girls, 4yrs old and 1 1/2yrs old, and I'm also a wife to an amazing man. I have responsibilities that seemed to not get fulfilled when I'm training hard...and I feel guilty for that. A couple of weeks ago I started focusing on Boston and pushing hard in my runs. I ran in the afternoon cuz we all know trying to do speedwork and pushing kids in a double stroller just doesn't work. So, around 4pm I would head out for an hour or 2 and run. At this same time, one of my responsibilities was to cook dinner. And because of me running at the same time, we just ended up eating out. I was tired when I got back from running and didn't feel like cooking. I'm embarrassed to say this. I'm supposed to eat healthy. But I chose to eat fast food. I realized this and then slowed down my running. Ran here and there for 2 weeks but nothing was consistent. But I had home made dinners prepared. Last week I ran 32 miles which is 15 miles less than what I should have ran. But....i ran those 32 miles on Saturday and Sunday. I should add here...with the poor eating and inconsistent running I gained some weight. 5lbs...big whoop, right? No....it was heartbreaking. I cried over this 5pound gain. Anyway....back to Sunday. Sundays run was hard. The Sunday before I had ran 20 miles. Normally in my training the week after a 20 mile long run, I'd run something under 12 miles. But since I didn't get in any week days run, I decided to run 22 miles Sunday. I could only finish 20. During my run, I broke down. I was so worn down. With my small weight gain, my home being a total disaster, my kids were being naughty, and now...on that 20 mile run, I was dying. I was in so much pain. I started crying. I hated what I was doing. I hated running. I didn't want to do it. I wanted to call my husband and have him come pick me up. I stopped running and walked a ways. I started thinking...running doesn't make me happy anymore. I don't enjoy it. It's become a chore. Why? Because it's all I focused on. I didn't like who I was becoming. I ignored my family, I had a short fuse, I gained some weight, and I didn't like running! I did notice this a little the week before though...and so my main reason for not running all last week and then killing myself in the weekend was because I took time out for my kids and husband. I stayed home to cook in the evenings. My house was a disaster so I spent all week trying to organize and de-clutter. My house is now organized and I take time to clean it every night before bed. I'll tell you that it has been soooo nice waking up to a very clean home. I'm not so stressed anymore. I didn't even realize how stressed out I was over a dirty home...but wow, it's been sooooo nice. Anyway...i hope this post is making sense. I'm realizing that in my current life, I need to "run for fun" as much as I hate that phrase...because I want to run hard....I can't handle it. Running started out for fun and I didn't care about time. I enjoyed hitting the mile markers and seeing how far I could run. I want to go back to that. So....I have a marathon in just under 3 weeks, my goal for that is "run for fun" forget about the time/pace and just run. I probably won't even mention my finishing time. I want to be happy about running a marathon. I was so sad/mad/upset after my first marathon. Lots of things happened and I let it affect me. I want to find me again. The me who loves running and uses it to make me happy...not stressed out and ticked off cuz I didn't run fast enough. This is going to be difficult for me but, I know it's what I need in my life now. My kids need me, my husband needs me, and I need to enjoy running. I need to remember who I was before I started running. I was fat, lazy, mean, bitter, tired, sad, but mostly just soooo unhappy. After I started running I became the happiest I've ever been. I need to go back to that. I need to "Run for FUN"

2013 Goals

It's nearing the end of the year so my mind is thinking about goals for next year. I always find it so fun to write out and plan new goals and races.

January 1st - running a 5k with a (few, I hope) friend for their first. If anyone wants to join, I'm making it a fb event!

January 20th - running a half marathon with a friend...her first as well!

February 17th - marathon #3

April - looking for another marathon

June 9th - marathon #4 with my sister in law!! Her first!

September - Top of Utah Marathon #5 with cousin for his first!

October - hike Grand Canyon Rim to Rim with Hubby! (23miles)

December - another marathon. I have one in mind....just have to get hubby on board ;)

Another one??

It's official...I've lost my mind. I now have signed up and paid for 3 more marathons! What am I thinking??? I have one in June 2013 with my awesome sister in law, one in February ANNNND one in 4 weeks!! Last week was hard. I was getting bored with the fact I still have a couple months of training til my next marathon. Soooo....i found another and signed up. I'm excited for it. Mainly so I can apply what I learned from my first and hopefully I will feel better.  Thats my main focus. I know what I can do, just need to feel better and I'll be happy.

What have I been up to? I took about 2 weeks off after my marathon and then hit the pavement. I've been feeling so good with training. My times are a lot faster too. I'm very pleased with that. I started mountain biking and I think thats helped me get stronger.

I ran a 5k this past Saturday and I finally got under the 24 minute mark! It was kind of a special run.  I ran this same exact race one month after I started running. My time then was 31 minutes and 13 seconds. My time Saturday was 23 minutes, 50 seconds :)

I had a long run yesterday and now I'm on to tapering. I really hope to keep this blog going. I just seem so busy and I have to update from my phone...which is frustrating  I'm hoping for a Sunday weekly post...don't hold me to it ;)

Happy One Year!!!

I know I've talked about my journey a lot on this blog. But I'm going to start from the beginning again. I want to write my whole story in one place. Now that the year has come and gone, I'm very excited to share what I've learned! Let's begin!

Growing up and all through high school I was always in great shape. I played volleyball for many, many years competitively. After graduating high school I played one year of college ball and that year was the year I was in the best shape of my life. We got worked hard, lifting, sprints, and sport specific training. But, I also believe this is when my depression hit. It may have hit in high school as well. But looking back I may have always had some sort of it. (I haven't been “titled” depression but this is the word I use to describe me.) After getting marriage in 2007, I feel it only got worse. My husband and I struggled, as most newly weds do, to get along. We fought a lot. By the time I was married, which was a year after quitting volleyball I had gained weight. Not much....but still it was there. Let's give the numbers. In college, I was 125lbs. Shortly before I was married I was 132lbs. 6 months after being married we got pregnant. NOT planned. As with all pregnancies, I gained weight. At 9 months pregnant I was 163lbs. Not bad, a 31 lbs gain. During my pregnancy, I became very hard to live with. Looking back, I don't do well with hormones. I turned crazy(er). I was very angry all the time. I yelled a lot. And the fighting with my husband got worse. After having my baby, I lost all my weight. ALL of it. I fit into my pre pregnancy clothes again just within 2 weeks after delivering! A few months went by and with all the hardships of having a newborn and being a first time mommy and having a marriage that was difficult, I started to gain weight. I really can't think of a word that best describes how I was. I was mean. Very mean! I was short tempered and never happy. My husband has said that no matter what he did, he was always wrong. If he did something right, it was still wrong. If he did it wrong, he was wrong. Probably about a year or year and a half after having my baby, I weighed 145lbs. (Remember my “perfect” weight was 125lbs. This was 20lbs heavier. Big deal right? It's just 20lbs. You'd be surprised at what 20lbs looks like. I was officially in my darkest days. I began to be abusive to my husband. Physically and verbally. It's very hard for me to talk about and looking back, I really want to believe that it didn't happen. How could I have gotten so mean? This was about the time that I left him. I wanted a divorce. I figured he was my problem. He made me this way so if I left him, I would be back to happy. I wasn't. I got sadder. Not as mad/angry. Just sad because of how I was the WHOLE marriage. 2 years of being mean, angry, demanding, always thinking bad things were going on. It was a very hard way to live. But being away from him, I actually had my eyes opened. I realized that the problem was me. I say I was mean and angry but that's me looking back and realizing. But at that time, I didn't know it was my fault. We were separated for 6 weeks. We got back together and went to counseling for a little while. But by then, I knew what was wrong. Me. I didn't want to keep paying $80 for an hour session once a week. So we stopped going to counseling. Things were a lot better now. We were able to have a conversation without fighting. We went out on dates. It was like a normal marriage. It was awesome! But...I still felt those bad feelings. At times I really had to use self control to not yell and scream in situations like I would have before. My husband then pointed out that I needed something to make me happy. He mentioned trying out medicine. I thought long and hard about it...but I knew it wasn't for me. I didn't like the thought of having to pop pills to help me be happy. I totally understand that people use them and it's awesome how the medicine can help...it just wasn't for ME. I was too prideful to take them. I wanted to fix me. And it was then that I started the search. I tried baking. I just felt fatter eating cookies. I tried scrap booking. But that was time consuming. I turned to my Heavenly Father. I began pleading and begging to find my “happy” What could make me happy. I spent the next 2 ½ years searching. It was a hard search. I cried nightly because of how badly I wanted to be happy. Within this time, I wanted another baby. My first child was almost 2 years old and I didn't want a huge age difference between the two. My husband said that once I lose all my extra weight, we could try for another baby. (He was only trying to help motivate me to lose:) I had told him I wanted to get back down to 125lbs. So I tried and tried. Sort of. I started one workout and did it for a few weeks, then it stopped. I'd pick it back up and same thing, after a few weeks I stopped. It was hard though. Being a mom to a young child, I had a hard time getting “me time.” So, I dropped the goal and ended up getting pregnant. I was still at 145lbs, never losing weight while working out. In my second pregnancy, I got up to 176lbs. After having my baby I was 162lbs and this time the weight didn't fall off like my first pregnancy. My 25^th birthday was coming up and for about a month before my birthday, I had this feeling that this was the year. This was the year my life was going to change. I was for once excited for my birthday. What was going to make this so special for me? I had no idea. But I knew in my heart something huge was going to happen. I randomly heard about a 5k race nearby and I, for some reason, wanted to run it. I was NOT a runner. I ran track in high school, but I was a sprinter. Long distance is something completely opposite! And I had tried to run several times since having my first child, but it was HARD and it HURT. So I never stuck with it. But for some reason, I had this feeling that I needed to do this 5k. So I talked to my husband and we both signed up. I was scared to death!! What did I just do!? I never in my life have ran more than a mile. And worst of all....I HATED RUNNING!! As I prepared for this 5k race, I had no idea what I was doing. I started out running 1 minute, walking 1 minute. And with each new week I added a minute to the running and left the 1 minute walking. After 3 weeks of this, I realized my 5k race was a week away and I hadn't even ran more that 1 mile. So, The Wednesday before, I pushed myself to 2 miles. And I think this is where I got a little hit with the “bug.” After finishing a very hard 2 miles, I bawled. Yes, a lot! I was so shocked and so proud that I actually hit the 2 mile point! I was beyond excited! That feeling of finishing something that seemed impossible is beyond words. It's an addictive feeling too. Anyway, Saturday morning, race day, came and my husband and I arrived at the starting line. We did a little warming up but I was extremely nervous! I wanted to do well. I didn't want to fail. I am not a good loser. I'm to competitive to lose. I had a goal to not walk at all in the race AND.....to beat my husband. He's always been a faster runner...he is a foot taller so I blame his stride haha The gun went off and without even knowing, my life changed. The feeling I had during this run was incredible. I past a lot of other runners and we all smiled at each other and said our “good jobs” “keep it up” way to go” and I felt amazing. I finally had a place to put my competitive heart. As I turned the corner and saw the finish line, I started to cry. The feeling you get when you see the finishing line is beyond words. I tried to gather myself because there were people around the finish. I wiped away my tears and finished. I got lots of high fives and words of encouragement. I seriously felt amazing. Like I had just won the whole race. I was on top of the world! I achieved my goals too. I didn't walk and I beat my husband. We decided to stick around for the awards ceremony. Just for fun. I knew I wasn't no where as fast as some of the others, plus I really didn't know how it worked. I didn't know they did it by gender and age group. I ended up getting second place for my age group! WHAT!? I, of course, started crying. I tried sooo hard to keep those emotions covered but I'm sure everyone saw. This is when I knew I had found MY HAPPY. I'm so incredibly grateful to my Heavenly Father for leading me in this direction. I know I couldn't have done it without Him. All my prayers had been answered that race day morning. He knew how badly I wanted to be happy and how I needed something to help. After this race, I decided to take a year and work on myself. To become to happiest I could be. I decided to push myself to run a half marathon. Through that training, I saw my life, my attitude changing. But I also saw the pounds literally falling off. I started this running weighing around 163lbs and by the time I was ran my half marathon, I weighed 130lbs! I had reached my goal weight just 3 months after starting to run! This definitely kept me running. Who would have known just 3 more months I would be down another 10 pounds! I am still amazed at how fast my weight dropped. But in a way I'm not too surprised. I really pushed myself hard. I did lots of speed training and I ate right. I didn't eat a whole lot of junk. I tried to cut out soda, fast food, sweets, all of that. Notice I said “tried” it's not easy. But I think my running out did the junk food so it didn't have an affect on me. Anyway, after running my half marathon I realized how far I had come in just 3 months. So I wanted to push myself more. At this time, I also met a new friend. I found out she had ran 27 marathons and I was blown away. Someone can run that many in a lifetime?? Then she went on to tell me that there are crazier people out there who have ran many more than her. I wanted to be a crazy! So, off I went, training for a full marathon!! 26.2 miles!

Since January, my life has changed so much. I've had my eyes opened to little life changing experiences. One example is on my baby's first birthday I had my sister videotape the gift opening. I wanted to take pictures and my husband was helping open the presents. I can't remember what happened, I think my husband wasn't doing it “right” so I took over. It was then that something happened. I can't remember what made me mad, but I was a little. Seriously, just a little bugged. But when I saw that part on video, yep, you guessed it. I cried. I couldn't believe how “ugly” I looked. I was shocked. But I also was able to see how pretty I was too. I've always had confidence issues and never thought I was pretty. But I saw it. From that point on, I tried my hardest to not get mad because I really got embarrassed about how I looked. I wish everyone could have that opportunity to see themselves mad. I guarantee people would be a whole lot happier. Also along this journey I have learned to cut out negativity in my life. I dwell on negativity and it eats me inside and then I become bitter and angry. I had an experience once where something bad happened. Something unfair. It wasn't to me though. I felt horrible for this person and couldn't believe it actually happened. BUT here's the thing. I felt happy inside. Not because of this unfair situation, just because I was doing well in my own life. But I chose to sit and dwell and be bitter about this certain unfair situation. And I literally saw my day go from happy let's go out and play to....I don't want to do anything so I'm going to sit on the couch and watch movies with my kids all day. Pathetic! I learned that I can't let someone else or anything else affect my happy. I can't sit and dwell on negativity.

I sit here and reflect on this year. I had a lot of supporters and also some doubters. I so wish I could see their faces now that I have finished what I set out to do. I ran a flippen marathon!! 26.2 miles!! And you know what?? I would do it over and over and over again. The way this running journey has changed me, I would do it 1,000 times over again. It's been a long year full of everything. Happiness, successes, failures, weight loss, learning about nutrition, lots and lots of research online, drama, hurt feelings, learning from the hurt feelings, and then finishing my ultimate goal, running a marathon. I'm so glad that this year is over. I feel I have gained a lot more respect from people. And that is a great feeling because of so many haters that didn't think I'd do it. I also love the fact that the marathon is over because I feel I can help out so many more people. I seriously want to share everything I know to every one! Running is my life and it's changed me into a person that I only dreamed of.

On to the nutrition side of all this. I have learned SOO much about nutrition. I didn't really know anything about it before this. I think I only ate 1000-1200 calories a day and drank 16oz of water a day. BAD!! It all makes sense thought. The lack of energy, the bad attitude, the headaches...all from poor nutrition. The calories I did consume during the day were bad. Normally skipped breakfast, had a small lunch, some junk food, and then a dinner. With all this training, I got up to eating nearly 4000 calories a day, mostly healthy foods. I say mostly because of traveling or laziness we'd eat out. As I traveled through this journey, I learned how to eat and take care of myself. I feel soo much better now. I'll admit, I do have days when I make poor food decisions but I feel HORRIBLE. Not horrible because I know better, physically and mentally horrible because I don't function well. I'm more irritable, emotional, and lazy. It's an amazing lesson to learn. But I know that eating healthy, and I don't mean EXTREME....no white sugar, no flour, no junk ever...just limit yourself and eat more fruits and vegetables. It's a lifestyle change...not a 3 month diet you're bound to fail. Start slowly getting ride of the soda, fast food, candy...stuff like that and start adding in the healthier foods. It REALLY makes a difference.

I know that by me going through this journey I can reach out and help anyone who needs it. If you have any ounce of desire to change your life or to lose weight I am here! I honestly love helping others get started and seeing them succeed! I have free advice and free encouragement. Don't ever hesitate to ask!

I'm mean this when I say it...If I, Emily Toone Buck, can run a marathon, I PROMISE that anyone can! Live by these three words. Dedication, Determination, and Discipline!!!

And now time for the Before and After Photos!!

AFTER!!