Happy One Year!!!

I know I've talked about my journey a lot on this blog. But I'm going to start from the beginning again. I want to write my whole story in one place. Now that the year has come and gone, I'm very excited to share what I've learned! Let's begin!

Growing up and all through high school I was always in great shape. I played volleyball for many, many years competitively. After graduating high school I played one year of college ball and that year was the year I was in the best shape of my life. We got worked hard, lifting, sprints, and sport specific training. But, I also believe this is when my depression hit. It may have hit in high school as well. But looking back I may have always had some sort of it. (I haven't been “titled” depression but this is the word I use to describe me.) After getting marriage in 2007, I feel it only got worse. My husband and I struggled, as most newly weds do, to get along. We fought a lot. By the time I was married, which was a year after quitting volleyball I had gained weight. Not much....but still it was there. Let's give the numbers. In college, I was 125lbs. Shortly before I was married I was 132lbs. 6 months after being married we got pregnant. NOT planned. As with all pregnancies, I gained weight. At 9 months pregnant I was 163lbs. Not bad, a 31 lbs gain. During my pregnancy, I became very hard to live with. Looking back, I don't do well with hormones. I turned crazy(er). I was very angry all the time. I yelled a lot. And the fighting with my husband got worse. After having my baby, I lost all my weight. ALL of it. I fit into my pre pregnancy clothes again just within 2 weeks after delivering! A few months went by and with all the hardships of having a newborn and being a first time mommy and having a marriage that was difficult, I started to gain weight. I really can't think of a word that best describes how I was. I was mean. Very mean! I was short tempered and never happy. My husband has said that no matter what he did, he was always wrong. If he did something right, it was still wrong. If he did it wrong, he was wrong. Probably about a year or year and a half after having my baby, I weighed 145lbs. (Remember my “perfect” weight was 125lbs. This was 20lbs heavier. Big deal right? It's just 20lbs. You'd be surprised at what 20lbs looks like. I was officially in my darkest days. I began to be abusive to my husband. Physically and verbally. It's very hard for me to talk about and looking back, I really want to believe that it didn't happen. How could I have gotten so mean? This was about the time that I left him. I wanted a divorce. I figured he was my problem. He made me this way so if I left him, I would be back to happy. I wasn't. I got sadder. Not as mad/angry. Just sad because of how I was the WHOLE marriage. 2 years of being mean, angry, demanding, always thinking bad things were going on. It was a very hard way to live. But being away from him, I actually had my eyes opened. I realized that the problem was me. I say I was mean and angry but that's me looking back and realizing. But at that time, I didn't know it was my fault. We were separated for 6 weeks. We got back together and went to counseling for a little while. But by then, I knew what was wrong. Me. I didn't want to keep paying $80 for an hour session once a week. So we stopped going to counseling. Things were a lot better now. We were able to have a conversation without fighting. We went out on dates. It was like a normal marriage. It was awesome! But...I still felt those bad feelings. At times I really had to use self control to not yell and scream in situations like I would have before. My husband then pointed out that I needed something to make me happy. He mentioned trying out medicine. I thought long and hard about it...but I knew it wasn't for me. I didn't like the thought of having to pop pills to help me be happy. I totally understand that people use them and it's awesome how the medicine can help...it just wasn't for ME. I was too prideful to take them. I wanted to fix me. And it was then that I started the search. I tried baking. I just felt fatter eating cookies. I tried scrap booking. But that was time consuming. I turned to my Heavenly Father. I began pleading and begging to find my “happy” What could make me happy. I spent the next 2 ½ years searching. It was a hard search. I cried nightly because of how badly I wanted to be happy. Within this time, I wanted another baby. My first child was almost 2 years old and I didn't want a huge age difference between the two. My husband said that once I lose all my extra weight, we could try for another baby. (He was only trying to help motivate me to lose:) I had told him I wanted to get back down to 125lbs. So I tried and tried. Sort of. I started one workout and did it for a few weeks, then it stopped. I'd pick it back up and same thing, after a few weeks I stopped. It was hard though. Being a mom to a young child, I had a hard time getting “me time.” So, I dropped the goal and ended up getting pregnant. I was still at 145lbs, never losing weight while working out. In my second pregnancy, I got up to 176lbs. After having my baby I was 162lbs and this time the weight didn't fall off like my first pregnancy. My 25^th birthday was coming up and for about a month before my birthday, I had this feeling that this was the year. This was the year my life was going to change. I was for once excited for my birthday. What was going to make this so special for me? I had no idea. But I knew in my heart something huge was going to happen. I randomly heard about a 5k race nearby and I, for some reason, wanted to run it. I was NOT a runner. I ran track in high school, but I was a sprinter. Long distance is something completely opposite! And I had tried to run several times since having my first child, but it was HARD and it HURT. So I never stuck with it. But for some reason, I had this feeling that I needed to do this 5k. So I talked to my husband and we both signed up. I was scared to death!! What did I just do!? I never in my life have ran more than a mile. And worst of all....I HATED RUNNING!! As I prepared for this 5k race, I had no idea what I was doing. I started out running 1 minute, walking 1 minute. And with each new week I added a minute to the running and left the 1 minute walking. After 3 weeks of this, I realized my 5k race was a week away and I hadn't even ran more that 1 mile. So, The Wednesday before, I pushed myself to 2 miles. And I think this is where I got a little hit with the “bug.” After finishing a very hard 2 miles, I bawled. Yes, a lot! I was so shocked and so proud that I actually hit the 2 mile point! I was beyond excited! That feeling of finishing something that seemed impossible is beyond words. It's an addictive feeling too. Anyway, Saturday morning, race day, came and my husband and I arrived at the starting line. We did a little warming up but I was extremely nervous! I wanted to do well. I didn't want to fail. I am not a good loser. I'm to competitive to lose. I had a goal to not walk at all in the race AND.....to beat my husband. He's always been a faster runner...he is a foot taller so I blame his stride haha The gun went off and without even knowing, my life changed. The feeling I had during this run was incredible. I past a lot of other runners and we all smiled at each other and said our “good jobs” “keep it up” way to go” and I felt amazing. I finally had a place to put my competitive heart. As I turned the corner and saw the finish line, I started to cry. The feeling you get when you see the finishing line is beyond words. I tried to gather myself because there were people around the finish. I wiped away my tears and finished. I got lots of high fives and words of encouragement. I seriously felt amazing. Like I had just won the whole race. I was on top of the world! I achieved my goals too. I didn't walk and I beat my husband. We decided to stick around for the awards ceremony. Just for fun. I knew I wasn't no where as fast as some of the others, plus I really didn't know how it worked. I didn't know they did it by gender and age group. I ended up getting second place for my age group! WHAT!? I, of course, started crying. I tried sooo hard to keep those emotions covered but I'm sure everyone saw. This is when I knew I had found MY HAPPY. I'm so incredibly grateful to my Heavenly Father for leading me in this direction. I know I couldn't have done it without Him. All my prayers had been answered that race day morning. He knew how badly I wanted to be happy and how I needed something to help. After this race, I decided to take a year and work on myself. To become to happiest I could be. I decided to push myself to run a half marathon. Through that training, I saw my life, my attitude changing. But I also saw the pounds literally falling off. I started this running weighing around 163lbs and by the time I was ran my half marathon, I weighed 130lbs! I had reached my goal weight just 3 months after starting to run! This definitely kept me running. Who would have known just 3 more months I would be down another 10 pounds! I am still amazed at how fast my weight dropped. But in a way I'm not too surprised. I really pushed myself hard. I did lots of speed training and I ate right. I didn't eat a whole lot of junk. I tried to cut out soda, fast food, sweets, all of that. Notice I said “tried” it's not easy. But I think my running out did the junk food so it didn't have an affect on me. Anyway, after running my half marathon I realized how far I had come in just 3 months. So I wanted to push myself more. At this time, I also met a new friend. I found out she had ran 27 marathons and I was blown away. Someone can run that many in a lifetime?? Then she went on to tell me that there are crazier people out there who have ran many more than her. I wanted to be a crazy! So, off I went, training for a full marathon!! 26.2 miles!

Since January, my life has changed so much. I've had my eyes opened to little life changing experiences. One example is on my baby's first birthday I had my sister videotape the gift opening. I wanted to take pictures and my husband was helping open the presents. I can't remember what happened, I think my husband wasn't doing it “right” so I took over. It was then that something happened. I can't remember what made me mad, but I was a little. Seriously, just a little bugged. But when I saw that part on video, yep, you guessed it. I cried. I couldn't believe how “ugly” I looked. I was shocked. But I also was able to see how pretty I was too. I've always had confidence issues and never thought I was pretty. But I saw it. From that point on, I tried my hardest to not get mad because I really got embarrassed about how I looked. I wish everyone could have that opportunity to see themselves mad. I guarantee people would be a whole lot happier. Also along this journey I have learned to cut out negativity in my life. I dwell on negativity and it eats me inside and then I become bitter and angry. I had an experience once where something bad happened. Something unfair. It wasn't to me though. I felt horrible for this person and couldn't believe it actually happened. BUT here's the thing. I felt happy inside. Not because of this unfair situation, just because I was doing well in my own life. But I chose to sit and dwell and be bitter about this certain unfair situation. And I literally saw my day go from happy let's go out and play to....I don't want to do anything so I'm going to sit on the couch and watch movies with my kids all day. Pathetic! I learned that I can't let someone else or anything else affect my happy. I can't sit and dwell on negativity.

I sit here and reflect on this year. I had a lot of supporters and also some doubters. I so wish I could see their faces now that I have finished what I set out to do. I ran a flippen marathon!! 26.2 miles!! And you know what?? I would do it over and over and over again. The way this running journey has changed me, I would do it 1,000 times over again. It's been a long year full of everything. Happiness, successes, failures, weight loss, learning about nutrition, lots and lots of research online, drama, hurt feelings, learning from the hurt feelings, and then finishing my ultimate goal, running a marathon. I'm so glad that this year is over. I feel I have gained a lot more respect from people. And that is a great feeling because of so many haters that didn't think I'd do it. I also love the fact that the marathon is over because I feel I can help out so many more people. I seriously want to share everything I know to every one! Running is my life and it's changed me into a person that I only dreamed of.

On to the nutrition side of all this. I have learned SOO much about nutrition. I didn't really know anything about it before this. I think I only ate 1000-1200 calories a day and drank 16oz of water a day. BAD!! It all makes sense thought. The lack of energy, the bad attitude, the headaches...all from poor nutrition. The calories I did consume during the day were bad. Normally skipped breakfast, had a small lunch, some junk food, and then a dinner. With all this training, I got up to eating nearly 4000 calories a day, mostly healthy foods. I say mostly because of traveling or laziness we'd eat out. As I traveled through this journey, I learned how to eat and take care of myself. I feel soo much better now. I'll admit, I do have days when I make poor food decisions but I feel HORRIBLE. Not horrible because I know better, physically and mentally horrible because I don't function well. I'm more irritable, emotional, and lazy. It's an amazing lesson to learn. But I know that eating healthy, and I don't mean EXTREME....no white sugar, no flour, no junk ever...just limit yourself and eat more fruits and vegetables. It's a lifestyle change...not a 3 month diet you're bound to fail. Start slowly getting ride of the soda, fast food, candy...stuff like that and start adding in the healthier foods. It REALLY makes a difference.

I know that by me going through this journey I can reach out and help anyone who needs it. If you have any ounce of desire to change your life or to lose weight I am here! I honestly love helping others get started and seeing them succeed! I have free advice and free encouragement. Don't ever hesitate to ask!

I'm mean this when I say it...If I, Emily Toone Buck, can run a marathon, I PROMISE that anyone can! Live by these three words. Dedication, Determination, and Discipline!!!

And now time for the Before and After Photos!!

AFTER!!