Attitude

I've been told my whole life that your "attitude is everything." I talk a lot about my dark years when depression ruled my life. Looking back at those many years that I struggled, I had a bad attitude. Everything in life was awful, even the good. While those years where the hardest I've had to deal with, I am saddened to think how pitiful I was. But at the time, it was hard to see that.

This marathon really changed me and opened my eyes to who I really am. Since having kids, I've struggled with me and knowing who I was. Sounds crazy, but unless you've been there, you wouldn't understand. So much has happened and certain things were said to me that made me feel a certain way about myself. I felt like a controlling, paranoid, contention seeking female (and yes, being a female was a negative) But....ever since my marathon I have felt such a sense of accomplishment, even though this was my 7th, it wasn't until this week where I really gained confidence. Which I really needed, badly.

I tend to get upset very easily and get my feelings hurt a lot. Yes, I take things way too personally and I get easily offended. But, with this new sense of pride I have, I have been able to look at things from a better point of view. I react more logical in difficult situations, instead of blowing it up way out of proportion and getting my feelings hurt or feeling offended. I am not one who likes confrontations and I very quickly jump to conclusions and most the time I'm assuming the wrong. Well, this week I have been in several different situations where if I would have reacted like I usually do, it would have led to some big, big problems. But somehow I managed to keep my cool and really understand where these other people were coming from and because of that, things were worked out and completely fixed. After the situations, I pondered to myself and sort of laughed....has running a marathon really affected me in my day to day life? It truly has. I'm finally thinking clearly and logical but more importantly, I have an awesome attitude about everything. As some may know, some pretty awesome things have happened to me this week. But with all things, there is opposition. As much good as I've had, there has also been the bad. But because I am so completely happy, I don't even think twice about the bad. I am a Christian and I can feel opposition, or in other words Satan, trying to knock me down. It almost had me an hour after my marathon, but I acknowledged it and chose to not let it affect me. For a moment I felt like my finish time wasn't good enough. But as I reminisced about the whole year leading up to this marathon, I remembered what I went through and how much pain and suffering I dealt with. But then I remembered how hard I fought for this specific time and then it all became good enough again. I did my best. I reached my goal, finally, and at that point I decided nothing, NOTHING was going to ever make me feel less or unimportant, or not good enough ever again. No matter the situation. It all comes back to attitude. Its a lot easier said than done, believe me! Its taken me years and years and years to understand this, but tonight, as my birthday comes to an end, I reflect back on so much I missed out on because of a bad attitude.

Two years ago, I started this crazy weight loss/running journey. It was my 25th birthday. I said, "this year is going to be the best year of my life" and it was. Well, here I am again, at 11:50pm, the night of my 27th birthday saying, "I'm going to make this year the best year of my life!" Nothing and no one will bring me down ever again. I know who I am and who I want to be. I am the only one who can achieve my full potential. No one can do it for me.

This year I really want to focus and forgiving myself for my past. I feel a lot of pain when I think about it and I know if I truly forgive myself, I will become an even stronger person, who in the end, my ultimate goal in life, will be able to help those who are struggling with what I did. Life is a crazy journey, but we are all in it together. <3