Goodbye May...You WON'T Be Missed

What a month! Where to begin?? So much has happened in the month of May and I'm so glad that there are only a few days left. Let's see...let's start from the beginning. Just a warning, I am a very open person. I like to be open and honest so that my readers can see the truth and know that I'm not perfect and that my weight loss journey is not easy for me.

In the middle of April I joined the facebook world again. It was awesome to reconnect with old friends. Found out friends got married, had babies or had some other exciting things going on. It was awesome. I started posting about my weight loss journey on there and got lots of feedback. Lots of emails thanking me for inspiration and motivation to start their own journey. I was on cloud 9! Having that sort of reaction is huge for me. I love knowing that I'm helping someone else change their life around. Many friends, mostly mom's, emailed me saying how they too have been fighting depression and needing an outlet. I felt honored to be the friend that they felt they could turn to and vent to. I have been there and I know all about depression and a hard marriage. After a few weeks I could feel the excitement leave. No one was talking to me anymore. The main reason why I got on was to talk to old friends. Maybe even hang out and do playdates. Soon enough I felt like I was talking to a wall...no pun intended. I emailed friends asking to hang out. Nothing. I posted stories about my races and weight loss...and while I did get lots of positive feedback on my races, I did get lectured on my weight loss. I don't want to go into details...but basically was told I'm losing too much weight. I don't want to go into details because I'm still hurt about it. I don't want to say something rude on my blog. BUT anyway, after all this started I started sinking into depression. Again, no one was talking to me. I posted stuff and only got "like"s What the heck are likes?? I started getting annoyed. I wanted to COMMUNICATE with people. Not get "like"d. So, depression hit again. Felt like I did a year ago. No friends, no one to talk to, no one cared a bit about what I was doing...the typical depression feelings, right? Even though I know people cared...I just felt lonely. I HATE THIS FEELING. SO....I deleted my facebook again. I plan to never go on again. This is exactly why I deleted it last summer. Let's be real, facebook is addicting. It's fun to see photos of friends and see what their up to. So, I sat on my phone daily and just farted around on it. After a month of this I realized something. I started eating out a whole lot. Drinking soda again, eating sweets, not really WANTING to cook dinner. All signs of depression. It wasn't until this one day when I looked up....I was sitting on the floor playing with my 1 year old...but my focus was on my phone on facebook. I looked up and this is what I saw.....

I felt sick. This is how my house has looked for the past 3 or 4 weeks. I left the CLEAN laundry in their bags, I dry by closeline, My dishes were all dirty, my kids were bored out of their minds and so they were misbehaving. Stuff like that. It was pathetic. Like I said before, I hadn't really cooked a meal in a while. We'd eat out or make something simple like a PB&J or something of the likes. This all because I was being depressed and wasting time all day on facebook. Sad. 

Want to know something else? First a little background...I weigh myself EVERYDAY. Don't ask me why, I just do. So I know when I have a change in weight. I normally fluctuate between 121 and 122 and then during the special time of month I may get up to 123 or 124 but nothing over that. And then the day after everything stops, I'm back down to 121. So, knowing this....after the fun part of the month was over I weighed in and I was 125!!!!!! What the heck? I was sad. Very sad. Silly as it sounds, you could totally notice the weight gain. It was right in my tummy/love handles. All of it. All the time I sat on my butt looking at facebook, all the junk I had been eating and drinking for the last month had finally caught up to me. I got depressed...even more depressed. So I went out and ran a 10 miler. It felt great. I haven't ran that far since before my half marathon the middle of January! Needless to say, I had several good reason to get off of facebook. Too much dang drama for this momma. I don't handle negativity well and obviously I don't handle sitting and doing nothing well. I have to stay busy to keep out of depression. 

It's almost been a week since I got off and it's so funny how things have changed. I started running more, keeping busy, and cooking meals. I'm excited to say that I've lost the weight that I gained plus 1 pound.

Once again...it's been YEARS since I've seen this number on the scale! I think I may pee myself if I ever get below 120. It's crazy what healthy food, exercise, and not being lazy can do for me.  To say the least, I have been very discouraged with running. I loved it when I first started but I'm slowly falling out of love with it. There's lots of factors but I need to remember my own advice....mind over matter. This is life. Up's and down's are expected. I need to be mentally tough and push through and finish what I've started. I have a little more than 4 months before my marathon. I start a training schedule next week so maybe that'll help me. I like schedules and I haven't used one since January. 

Please don't judge me. I'm not perfect and have many weaknesses. I'm not cut out to be on facebook. And I guess I needed a little reminder why I left. Got that message loud and clear! :) Things are starting to turn around. Still not feeling 100% but I will get there. The difference this time is that I KNOW how to get there. I'm grateful for this trail and ready to move on and get back on track!