In Training

What do the words "in training" mean to you?

For me, it's always been an excuse to eat what ever I wanted. I'm burning so many calories that I can pretty much get away with it. When I first started running, I cut out all crap. No fast food, soda, candy, etc. And I was in the best shape that I had been in years. It was priority back then to lose the extra weight but after that, I didn't care because I had created the habit of running and burning calories. In the 1.5 years since losing my 40+ pounds, I haven't gained but only 5lbs here and there but I did get flabby and lost some muscle. I'd word harder and got back to where I was but it was just a cycle of losing and gaining.

I took a week off of training, unintentionally, since my marathon and boy oh boy did I have a poor diet. I'm ready to clean it up A LOT and start feeling better. I'm going to use the terms "in training" as an excuse to not eat crap and only fuel with good nutritious foods. I get told a lot "you probably eat so healthy because you run marathons" and I get pretty embarrassed when I say, "actually, I eat like crap." I have had moments of healthy eating, but it only lasts a short while.

This next marathon, in February, is my big Boston Qualifying race. I want it so badly and so motivated to push hard in training these next 4 months. I'm motivated to push hard in all aspects of training, including my diet. So, from here on out, I will use the excuse of, "I'm in training" as a positive and not an excuse to pig out and eat crap.

Attitude

I've been told my whole life that your "attitude is everything." I talk a lot about my dark years when depression ruled my life. Looking back at those many years that I struggled, I had a bad attitude. Everything in life was awful, even the good. While those years where the hardest I've had to deal with, I am saddened to think how pitiful I was. But at the time, it was hard to see that.

This marathon really changed me and opened my eyes to who I really am. Since having kids, I've struggled with me and knowing who I was. Sounds crazy, but unless you've been there, you wouldn't understand. So much has happened and certain things were said to me that made me feel a certain way about myself. I felt like a controlling, paranoid, contention seeking female (and yes, being a female was a negative) But....ever since my marathon I have felt such a sense of accomplishment, even though this was my 7th, it wasn't until this week where I really gained confidence. Which I really needed, badly.

I tend to get upset very easily and get my feelings hurt a lot. Yes, I take things way too personally and I get easily offended. But, with this new sense of pride I have, I have been able to look at things from a better point of view. I react more logical in difficult situations, instead of blowing it up way out of proportion and getting my feelings hurt or feeling offended. I am not one who likes confrontations and I very quickly jump to conclusions and most the time I'm assuming the wrong. Well, this week I have been in several different situations where if I would have reacted like I usually do, it would have led to some big, big problems. But somehow I managed to keep my cool and really understand where these other people were coming from and because of that, things were worked out and completely fixed. After the situations, I pondered to myself and sort of laughed....has running a marathon really affected me in my day to day life? It truly has. I'm finally thinking clearly and logical but more importantly, I have an awesome attitude about everything. As some may know, some pretty awesome things have happened to me this week. But with all things, there is opposition. As much good as I've had, there has also been the bad. But because I am so completely happy, I don't even think twice about the bad. I am a Christian and I can feel opposition, or in other words Satan, trying to knock me down. It almost had me an hour after my marathon, but I acknowledged it and chose to not let it affect me. For a moment I felt like my finish time wasn't good enough. But as I reminisced about the whole year leading up to this marathon, I remembered what I went through and how much pain and suffering I dealt with. But then I remembered how hard I fought for this specific time and then it all became good enough again. I did my best. I reached my goal, finally, and at that point I decided nothing, NOTHING was going to ever make me feel less or unimportant, or not good enough ever again. No matter the situation. It all comes back to attitude. Its a lot easier said than done, believe me! Its taken me years and years and years to understand this, but tonight, as my birthday comes to an end, I reflect back on so much I missed out on because of a bad attitude.

Two years ago, I started this crazy weight loss/running journey. It was my 25th birthday. I said, "this year is going to be the best year of my life" and it was. Well, here I am again, at 11:50pm, the night of my 27th birthday saying, "I'm going to make this year the best year of my life!" Nothing and no one will bring me down ever again. I know who I am and who I want to be. I am the only one who can achieve my full potential. No one can do it for me.

This year I really want to focus and forgiving myself for my past. I feel a lot of pain when I think about it and I know if I truly forgive myself, I will become an even stronger person, who in the end, my ultimate goal in life, will be able to help those who are struggling with what I did. Life is a crazy journey, but we are all in it together. <3

St George Marathon

I keep trying to start this race post, But I just don't know where to start.

I'll just start from the beginning, since my 2 year mark of starting to run is Thursday, October 10th. My birthday.

I was about to turn 25 years old. I was depressed and weighed 40 pounds more than I had ever weighed. We had just gotten back from a family birthday party with my in laws (we have 5 October birthdays on my husband's side, including me) I was given 2 fun size packs of Reeses peanut butter cups, as one gift (8 individual cups in each pack, so a total of 16) these were my ABSOLUTE favorite candy. Long story short, I pigged out and ate ALL of them with in just a few minutes. After realizing what I had just done, I became disgusted. Disgusted because this wasn't the first time I'd pig out on junk. It happened a lot but for some reason, that particular moment I decided things HAD to change! I had tried several times before to lose weight but I never stuck with anything long enough to actually lose weight. So, at that moment I decided that my 25th year was going to be the best year of my life. And it was. I lost my extra weight and I was the happiest I had been in years! I had started running that same week of my birthday and haven't stopped yet.

Fast forward a year. October 5, 2012 I ran my very first marathon. (You can read all about it here) There were so many things that happened in that race that hurt me badly. Not to mention the HORRIBLE charlie horses I got in my calves that locked my legs up and I couldn't move for a few minutes at mile 24. It was awful. After that race I wanted redemption. I wanted to feel better about everything. So what did I do? Signed up for another marathon. 2 months after my first marathon, I ran my second. This second marathon though wasn't about my time. I wanted/needed to fall back in love with running. And I did just that. After my 2nd marathon, 1.5 months later I ran my 3rd, 2weeks after my 3rd, I ran my 4th. 3 months after my 4th, I ran my 5th. One month after that, I ran my 6th. And finally....3 months later, I ran my 7th. My 7th was the same race as my first.

Not to go into too much detail but I feel the need to talk a little bit about the other marathons. Marathon #3 and #4 were 2 weeks apart. I wanted to get a PR on #4. (My first marathon time was 4:03:15) So to skip all the training details, it was time to run marathon #3. The plan was to take it as a training run and then the marathon in 2 weeks would be a big PR. During marathon #3 I decided to go for a PR. After finishing, I went over to the results and it was posted that I got a 3:59:01!! I cried and cried with excitement. I couldn't believe it! I was so extremely proud. Well....that bubble popped the next day. I looked at my results online and it said 4:03:07. What the heck?? So I contacted the timing company and they said they screwed up and had to adjust the times (its a long, drama filled story. I'll skip it.) So....there I was, extremely upset because I so badly wanted that sub 4hour time. It was right there, but then the timing company screwed up. So, I thought I'd get it the next marathon. That race, a friend and I decided to go for a 3:45 time. Everything started out great, until mile 18. EVERY SINGLE TIME I bonk at that mile. I kept getting told it was because I wasn't training correctly. Possibly running too fast on my long runs. But I found out just recently that that's not true. It was mental. (I'll get to that in a minute) Back to marathon #4 and bonking and mile 18 yet again. I finished that race at 4:10:12. Yet again, another let down. No sub 4. A few months later I ran #5. It stated out great. Legs were fantastic. Got to mile 18 and no bonk!! I ended up stopping around mile 20 to stretch a little and noticed something. I had started my period!! To spare too much detail, lets just say mile 20 was a 22 minute mile. Crying my eyes out and cleaning a mess, totally just killed me. My hopes, yet again, were lost for a sub 4. I finished that race in 4:45 something. I was so incredibly sad. From that marathon on, I sunk into a bad depression. A lot happened after that race, and things were said to me that really hurt me, badly. I started to hate running. I became the person who I once hated. The summer months were hard as is because here in Arizona, we never get under 105 degrees. So running in extremely hot weather killed my desire to run, but add depression and hurt feelings on top of that...most weeks I didn't even get up from the couch. I was in a dark place. About the beginning of July, a friend on Facebook created a virtual run. It was called the Crazy Pyramid Challenge. It was a 5k, 10k, half marathon, full marathon (#6), 10k, and 5k all done in 7 convective days. I decided to do to. I knew my times wouldn't be as fast as I'd like because I hadn't been running but I needed something to get me up. Completing this challenge did exactly that. I fell back in love with running and that passion was restored. So now, I was only dealing with the lack of motivation to get up at 4am and run in 95 degree weather, or run at 9pm in 105 degree weather. But, looking back, I did a my best and I'm happy for what I did in August and September. About a month before my 7th marathon, I decided I would just run to finish. I would take off the timing chip so my results wouldn't be posted online. And I wouldn't wear my watch. That pressure of beating my time from the year before stressed me out, so getting rid of the timing chip and running with no watch made me feel less pressure. (Even though I REALLY wanted a PR, I didn't think my summer training was enough) 3 weeks before the marathon, a friend said that he would help me train for my next marathon in February. I want to qualify for Boston there (I need a 3:35 to qualify) and so we began training. His trainings are different than what I'm used to, but I love the change. I learned a lot about myself in the 3 weeks before my marathon and decided to go ahead with wanting to get my PR. My coach helped me more than with just running. Something clicked and now, my mental game was a whole lot stronger than ever. I felt calm and confident. That's something I've never felt before. The week of the race, I would have moments of self doubts but after talking with my coach, he would say just the right things to help me get out of my own head.

Ok, finally. Race morning.

I didn't meet anyone race morning. I wanted to be alone so I could visualize how the I wanted to run the race. I sat by the fire to keep warm, it was 32 degrees at the start, and I listened to the song "Be Still My Soul" several times. I prayed. I relaxed. I cried a little. Here I was again, where the year from hell started, but this time was MY TIME. No one and nothing was going to bring me down again. This was all me. I dropped off my bag and watched as the gun went off. I had decided I would start near the end so that I would avoid going out too fast. I stood along side the 7,600 runners as they all raced out. I faced the starting line and replayed my game plan one last time. I closed my eyes, prayed that I would be comforted and off I went. As I passed the start, a flood of memories came into mind. I cried a lot the first mile because of everything that happened the year before. But, I wiped away those tears and that pain and only thought positive thoughts. This was my time.

Having run this marathon before, I knew how to NOT run it. The first 7 miles were downhill and if you go out too fast, you will pay later on. So instead of going too fast, I actually went too slow. But....having bonked extremely hard in marathons before, I DID NOT want to experience that again. My first half was a time of 2:08:01. An average pace of 9:48. Crap. Way too slow. I had better pick it up if I want that sub 4 hour (a 9:06 pace) around mile 16 I started to push, still a little cautious because if the dreaded mile 18. When mile 18 came, I was on fire. I felt absolutely amazing. I checked my watch and I was still at an average pace of 9:27. With only 8 miles left, I had to book it!! And I did just that. My last 6 miles were under 8:30 and my last 2 miles were 7:54 and 7:42. (To prove how fast I was going...first off, my last 6 miles in my other marathons have been close to 12 minute miles. And second, the marathon had this app that tracked how many people you pass and how many pass you. In the last 7 miles I passed 706 people and ZERO passed me!!!) Around mile 21, I felt a little bit of pulling in my legs, as if a cramp was about to start. I realized, the more I thought about that cramp starting, the more it cramped up. And if I distracted my mind, the cramp went away. So, I put on my music and jammed out til the finish. The last .2 miles were the best part of the race. I saw the finish line and started bawling (yes, I cry A LOT) I saw the crowds and just threw my hands up and started to scream and cheer. I yelled and cried all the way to the finish. I knew I had cut it close to a sub 4, so I hurried and looked at my watch, and I did it!!!! I flippen did it!!! 3:59:30 (according to my watch) I wanted to cry, well I already was. I looked up from my watch and there was my cousin (he was a volunteer at the finish) he was yelling my name with his arms opened yelling "you did it Emily! You did it!" I gave him a huge hug and just cried. Finally. After everything I have been through, I FINALLY faced my fears and self doubt and I proved to myself that I am a whole lot stronger than I think. My cousin went and grabbed a medal and put it around my neck. I just stood there crying. I couldn't believe this actually happened. As I walked to go to bag pick up and go check out the official results, my legs started cramping and locking up. So I found some shade and laid down and stretched. A few minutes later my cousin found me and showed me my office time 3:59:32!!!! Again, the tears flowed!

I can't believe I FINALLY got my sub 4 hour finish. Its been a long, difficult year but now I'm ready to move on and chase after my Boston Qualifying time! I'm so excited to be working with a coach and more importantly, that I have conquered my mind. I can do anything I put my mind too, AND SO CAN YOU!

When You Want To Succeed

I heard a quote the week before last week that's pretty much ignited a fire within me.

When you want to succeed as much as you want to breathe, that's when you'll be successful.

That just hits me to the core. For so long I've had a goal of qualifying for Boston and yet I don't really feel that I was ever 100% committed or motivated to really actually reach that goal. But now, more than ever, I WANT IT BAD! I want it because I want it and no one else.

I am a very competitive person. I have a lot of determination towards reaching a goal. I mentioned in my last post that I've been making goals based off everyone else. And I didn't have a whole lot of motivation to really succeed with any of those. But now I've figured out what I really want and I'm going to get it.

This past year of running has been so up and down and all offer the place. This past week or so I've really had to rebuild mentally and physically. I'm a numbers person. I run based off performance. My best. I push myself to reach certain goals. I have been told several times this week that, one way or another, that I'm not doing it right, doing too much, or something along those lines. I HATE being told I'm not doing it right or I'm doing too much. I'm sorry, but I am not you and I know MY BODY and what works best. For far too long I've done it everyone else's way and that's gotten me NO WHERE. It's time to do me and focus on what works best for me.

All too often I've been told that the way I train is not the right way. I've trained and ran hundreds of miles over the last 2 years, I am starting to understand that I do know best, when it comes to me and training. I've used several different kinds of trainings and did tons of research about how to train properly. But I think it all comes down to trial and error. Over this past year I have wanted a PR in a marathon and of the 5 I have ran after my first, I have come close to getting a PR but always come up short. I truly believe it's because of my training. I'll be sharing more about this as I get closer to race day, in February, because again, this is trial and error. But it's something I am confident in.

This past week was a week of rebuilding and getting consistent. I finished out running and biking a total of 42 miles, 14 bike 28 running. I did some speed work, ran 1 mile worth of bleachers, body weight strength training, and mental training.

Monday-rest day from a big weekend
Tuesday- 5 miles of speed work (1 mile w/u, 3 mile repeats with 2 min rest between each mile 7:01, 7:16, 7:19, 1 mile c/d)
Wednesday-6 miles on my bike pulling my kiddos. That evening I ran 1 mile of bleachers
Thursday- 2 miles recovery, very sore from the bleacher run haha
Friday-rest
Saturday-20.2 miles (sprinted the extra .2 for mental training) 8 mile bike ride with my family
Sunday-unexpected rest day....rainy outside and I am pretty sore from the 20 miler.

This past weeks goal was consistency. I've been struggling for a while at being consistent and so I made that a priority.

This next week I am adding in weight training. I have always felt the need to lift weights but never have. I made my own little home gym and super excited about it. Time to kick it into high gear and finally reach my goals!

The 2 main goals for the year are:

Sub 20 minute 5k on November 9th

First half marathon, racing, November 17th. (Yes, I have run the half marathon distance but not in a race setting at my own pace, very excited!)

I do have a 5k September 21, marathon #7 October 5th (no goal) I will probably run another 5k in December if I don't hit my goal on November 9th. I love racing season!!

What A Year

I can't believe I've gone since December without posting anything on here.

Where to even begin? This year has been such a crazy ride. I've accomplished a lot and I should be proud of myself, but I'm not. I've been fighting depression since finishing my first marathon in October last year. Things have been so all over the place and I`ve felt somewhat like I am drowning.

I have accomplished a lot, finished 6 marathons and 5 weeks out from my next marathon, I've hit PR's for certain distances, had really good training weeks....but there's still something missing. This past week has been a week of reflection and reevaluation. Going over my past trainings and looking at the weeks and months and figuring out why I'm where I'm at.

I've had lots of good and even amazing runs....but as a whole, I've been so inconsistent and random. When I first started running and up until my first marathon, I was able to beat depression and enjoy running where now, I feel like running is a chore. Or I have to keep doing it because (insert reasons here). When I first started running, I just ran. Ran to how I felt. I honestly can say that I'm in worse shape (meaning in my own opinion) today than I was after finishing my first marathon.

As I reflected this week, it hit me. I was no longer running for me but to try and impress people. I'm totally embarrassed by this, but it's the truth. It all started because of social media. I would post my runs and all about them and then all the opinions came pouring in. The good opinions and compliments but also the bad, negative comments. I started doing things according to what others said. Stated relying on their experiences and advice rather than my own. I absolutely love reading, weird because those words have never come out of my mouth before, and figuring out myself the ways to train or do something. But instead I listened to people who had no idea how I trained or knew what really turned me on to running. As this happened, things started to get ugly and I started, emotionally, heading back to where I was before I even started running. And that was a place I swore I never would go back to. But it was such a gradual thing that I didn't even realize this falling backwards until last week. It was a week from you know where. One of my worst weeks ever. I'm embarrassed by it. But I'm letting it be an eye opener and a lesson.

I made all these goals for this year, including a 100 mile race. But the more I think about that....that's not what I WANT to do. (Especially since the race was around a 1 MILE LOOP course and you run until you're done. Not my idea of fun. Seriously.) So I've canceled those, thankfully I hadn't paid for anything yet! I do have plans to one day Do a 50 mile trail run, not a loop course haha but for now, my biggest goals are those related with speed. I want to get a sub 20 minute 5k and a qualifying time for Boston.

I love pushing myself and seeing how fast I can go. Of course I would get upset when I didn't perform my best and didn't hit my goal pace and I was told quite often that pace doesn't matter and to let go of it. So I tried it for a few months and come to find out, I like pushing my pace and pushing to see what I can do. That's what makes me feel good. I feel strong.

I went trail running today, my first time, and I pushed myself. Trail running is way harder than road running, especially where I live. The roads are flat for miles and miles and miles. So running on hills, up and down, is way more difficult. But I absolutely loved it. I loved that near barf feeling after pushing hard uphill and then the legs about to give out feeling when running downhill. That's who I am. I like it and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

It's time to get back on track and do what I love to do and forget what others say or think.

The craziest part of this year is just realizing how subtle this all came on. I never used to care what others opinions were. I disconnected from the social media and just did me. Time to get back to that. Especially since it's not just me that's being affected by this, but my family as well.

Sorry if this post is kind of all over the place. There's lots going on but I felt the need to write it down. <3