I know I've talked about my journey a
lot on this blog. But I'm going to start from the beginning again. I
want to write my whole story in one place. Now that the year has come
and gone, I'm very excited to share what I've learned! Let's begin!
Growing up and all through high school
I was always in great shape. I played volleyball for many, many years
competitively. After graduating high school I played one year of
college ball and that year was the year I was in the best shape of my
life. We got worked hard, lifting, sprints, and sport specific
training. But, I also believe this is when my depression hit. It may
have hit in high school as well. But looking back I may have always
had some sort of it. (I haven't been “titled” depression but this
is the word I use to describe me.) After getting marriage in 2007, I
feel it only got worse. My husband and I struggled, as most newly
weds do, to get along. We fought a lot. By the time I was married,
which was a year after quitting volleyball I had gained weight. Not
much....but still it was there. Let's give the numbers. In college, I
was 125lbs. Shortly before I was married I was 132lbs. 6 months after
being married we got pregnant. NOT planned. As with all pregnancies,
I gained weight. At 9 months pregnant I was 163lbs. Not bad, a 31 lbs
gain. During my pregnancy, I became very hard to live with. Looking
back, I don't do well with hormones. I turned crazy(er). I was very
angry all the time. I yelled a lot. And the fighting with my husband
got worse. After having my baby, I lost all my weight. ALL of it. I
fit into my pre pregnancy clothes again just within 2 weeks after
delivering! A few months went by and with all the hardships of having
a newborn and being a first time mommy and having a marriage that was
difficult, I started to gain weight. I really can't think of a word
that best describes how I was. I was mean. Very mean! I was short
tempered and never happy. My husband has said that no matter what he
did, he was always wrong. If he did something right, it was still
wrong. If he did it wrong, he was wrong. Probably about a year or
year and a half after having my baby, I weighed 145lbs. (Remember my
“perfect” weight was 125lbs. This was 20lbs heavier. Big deal
right? It's just 20lbs. You'd be surprised at what 20lbs looks like.
I was officially in my darkest days. I began to be abusive to my
husband. Physically and verbally. It's very hard for me to talk about
and looking back, I really want to believe that it didn't happen. How
could I have gotten so mean? This was about the time that I left him.
I wanted a divorce. I figured he was my problem. He made me this way
so if I left him, I would be back to happy. I wasn't. I got sadder.
Not as mad/angry. Just sad because of how I was the WHOLE marriage. 2
years of being mean, angry, demanding, always thinking bad things
were going on. It was a very hard way to live. But being away from
him, I actually had my eyes opened. I realized that the problem was
me. I say I was mean and angry but that's me looking back and
realizing. But at that time, I didn't know it was my fault. We were
separated for 6 weeks. We got back together and went to counseling
for a little while. But by then, I knew what was wrong. Me. I didn't
want to keep paying $80 for an hour session once a week. So we
stopped going to counseling. Things were a lot better now. We were
able to have a conversation without fighting. We went out on dates.
It was like a normal marriage. It was awesome! But...I still felt
those bad feelings. At times I really had to use self control to not
yell and scream in situations like I would have before. My husband
then pointed out that I needed something to make me happy. He
mentioned trying out medicine. I thought long and hard about it...but
I knew it wasn't for me. I didn't like the thought of having to pop
pills to help me be happy. I totally understand that people use them
and it's awesome how the medicine can help...it just wasn't for ME. I
was too prideful to take them. I wanted to fix me. And it was then
that I started the search. I tried baking. I just felt fatter eating
cookies. I tried scrap booking. But that was time consuming. I turned
to my Heavenly Father. I began pleading and begging to find my
“happy” What could make me happy. I spent the next 2 ½ years
searching. It was a hard search. I cried nightly because of how badly
I wanted to be happy. Within this time, I wanted another baby. My
first child was almost 2 years old and I didn't want a huge age
difference between the two. My husband said that once I lose all my
extra weight, we could try for another baby. (He was only trying to
help motivate me to lose:) I had told him I wanted to get back down
to 125lbs. So I tried and tried. Sort of. I started one workout and
did it for a few weeks, then it stopped. I'd pick it back up and same
thing, after a few weeks I stopped. It was hard though. Being a mom
to a young child, I had a hard time getting “me time.” So, I
dropped the goal and ended up getting pregnant. I was still at
145lbs, never losing weight while working out. In my second
pregnancy, I got up to 176lbs. After having my baby I was 162lbs and this time the weight didn't fall off like my first pregnancy. My
25th birthday was coming up and for about a month before
my birthday, I had this feeling that this was the year. This was the
year my life was going to change. I was for once excited for my
birthday. What was going to make this so special for me? I had no
idea. But I knew in my heart something huge was going to happen. I
randomly heard about a 5k race nearby and I, for some reason, wanted
to run it. I was NOT a runner. I ran track in high school, but I was
a sprinter. Long distance is something completely opposite! And I had
tried to run several times since having my first child, but it was
HARD and it HURT. So I never stuck with it. But for some reason, I had
this feeling that I needed to do this 5k. So I talked to my husband
and we both signed up. I was scared to death!! What did I just do!? I
never in my life have ran more than a mile. And worst of all....I
HATED RUNNING!! As I prepared for this 5k race, I had no idea what I
was doing. I started out running 1 minute, walking 1 minute. And with
each new week I added a minute to the running and left the 1 minute
walking. After 3 weeks of this, I realized my 5k race was a week away
and I hadn't even ran more that 1 mile. So, The Wednesday before, I
pushed myself to 2 miles. And I think this is where I got a little
hit with the “bug.” After finishing a very hard 2 miles, I
bawled. Yes, a lot! I was so shocked and so proud that I actually hit
the 2 mile point! I was beyond excited! That feeling of finishing
something that seemed impossible is beyond words. It's an addictive
feeling too. Anyway, Saturday morning, race day, came and my husband
and I arrived at the starting line. We did a little warming up but I
was extremely nervous! I wanted to do well. I didn't want to fail. I
am not a good loser. I'm to competitive to lose. I had a goal to not
walk at all in the race AND.....to beat my husband. He's always been
a faster runner...he is a foot taller so I blame his stride haha The
gun went off and without even knowing, my life changed. The feeling I
had during this run was incredible. I past a lot of other runners and
we all smiled at each other and said our “good jobs” “keep it
up” way to go” and I felt amazing. I finally had a place to put
my competitive heart. As I turned the corner and saw the finish line,
I started to cry. The feeling you get when you see the finishing line
is beyond words. I tried to gather myself because there were people
around the finish. I wiped away my tears and finished. I got lots of
high fives and words of encouragement. I seriously felt amazing. Like
I had just won the whole race. I was on top of the world! I achieved
my goals too. I didn't walk and I beat my husband. We decided to
stick around for the awards ceremony. Just for fun. I knew I wasn't
no where as fast as some of the others, plus I really didn't know how
it worked. I didn't know they did it by gender and age group. I ended
up getting second place for my age group! WHAT!? I, of course,
started crying. I tried sooo hard to keep those emotions covered but
I'm sure everyone saw. This is when I knew I had found MY HAPPY. I'm
so incredibly grateful to my Heavenly Father for leading me in this
direction. I know I couldn't have done it without Him. All my prayers
had been answered that race day morning. He knew how badly I wanted
to be happy and how I needed something to help. After this race, I
decided to take a year and work on myself. To become to happiest I
could be. I decided to push myself to run a half marathon. Through
that training, I saw my life, my attitude changing. But I also saw
the pounds literally falling off. I started this running weighing
around 163lbs and by the time I was ran my half marathon, I weighed
130lbs! I had reached my goal weight just 3 months after starting to
run! This definitely kept me running. Who would have known just 3
more months I would be down another 10 pounds! I am still amazed at
how fast my weight dropped. But in a way I'm not too surprised. I
really pushed myself hard. I did lots of speed training and I ate
right. I didn't eat a whole lot of junk. I tried to cut out soda,
fast food, sweets, all of that. Notice I said “tried” it's not
easy. But I think my running out did the junk food so it didn't have
an affect on me. Anyway, after running my half marathon I realized
how far I had come in just 3 months. So I wanted to push myself more.
At this time, I also met a new friend. I found out she had ran 27
marathons and I was blown away. Someone can run that many in a
lifetime?? Then she went on to tell me that there are crazier people
out there who have ran many more than her. I wanted to be a crazy!
So, off I went, training for a full marathon!! 26.2 miles!
Since January, my life has changed so
much. I've had my eyes opened to little life changing experiences.
One example is on my baby's first birthday I had my sister videotape
the gift opening. I wanted to take pictures and my husband was
helping open the presents. I can't remember what happened, I think my
husband wasn't doing it “right” so I took over. It was then that
something happened. I can't remember what made me mad, but I was a
little. Seriously, just a little bugged. But when I saw that part on
video, yep, you guessed it. I cried. I couldn't believe how “ugly”
I looked. I was shocked. But I also was able to see how pretty I was
too. I've always had confidence issues and never thought I was
pretty. But I saw it. From that point on, I tried my hardest to not
get mad because I really got embarrassed about how I looked. I wish
everyone could have that opportunity to see themselves mad. I
guarantee people would be a whole lot happier. Also along this
journey I have learned to cut out negativity in my life. I dwell on
negativity and it eats me inside and then I become bitter and angry.
I had an experience once where something bad happened. Something
unfair. It wasn't to me though. I felt horrible for this person and
couldn't believe it actually happened. BUT here's the thing. I felt
happy inside. Not because of this unfair situation, just because I
was doing well in my own life. But I chose to sit and dwell and be
bitter about this certain unfair situation. And I literally saw my
day go from happy let's go out and play to....I don't want to do
anything so I'm going to sit on the couch and watch movies with my
kids all day. Pathetic! I learned that I can't let someone else or
anything else affect my happy. I can't sit and dwell on negativity.
I sit here and reflect on this year. I
had a lot of supporters and also some doubters. I so wish I could see
their faces now that I have finished what I set out to do. I ran a
flippen marathon!! 26.2 miles!! And you know what?? I would do it
over and over and over again. The way this running journey has
changed me, I would do it 1,000 times over again. It's been a long
year full of everything. Happiness, successes, failures, weight loss,
learning about nutrition, lots and lots of research online, drama,
hurt feelings, learning from the hurt feelings, and then finishing my
ultimate goal, running a marathon. I'm so glad that this year is
over. I feel I have gained a lot more respect from people. And that
is a great feeling because of so many haters that didn't think I'd do
it. I also love the fact that the marathon is over because I feel I
can help out so many more people. I seriously want to share
everything I know to every one! Running is my life and it's changed
me into a person that I only dreamed of.
On to the nutrition side of all this. I
have learned SOO much about nutrition. I didn't really know anything
about it before this. I think I only ate 1000-1200 calories a day and
drank 16oz of water a day. BAD!! It all makes sense thought. The lack
of energy, the bad attitude, the headaches...all from poor nutrition.
The calories I did consume during the day were bad. Normally skipped
breakfast, had a small lunch, some junk food, and then a dinner. With
all this training, I got up to eating nearly 4000 calories a day,
mostly healthy foods. I say mostly because of traveling or laziness
we'd eat out. As I traveled through this journey, I learned how to
eat and take care of myself. I feel soo much better now. I'll admit,
I do have days when I make poor food decisions but I feel HORRIBLE.
Not horrible because I know better, physically and mentally horrible
because I don't function well. I'm more irritable, emotional, and
lazy. It's an amazing lesson to learn. But I know that eating
healthy, and I don't mean EXTREME....no white sugar, no flour, no
junk ever...just limit yourself and eat more fruits and vegetables.
It's a lifestyle change...not a 3 month diet you're bound to fail.
Start slowly getting ride of the soda, fast food, candy...stuff like
that and start adding in the healthier foods. It REALLY makes a
difference.
I know that by me going through this
journey I can reach out and help anyone who needs it. If you have any
ounce of desire to change your life or to lose weight I am here! I
honestly love helping others get started and seeing them succeed! I
have free advice and free encouragement. Don't ever hesitate to ask!
I'm mean this when I say it...If I,
Emily Toone Buck, can run a marathon, I PROMISE that anyone can! Live
by these three words. Dedication, Determination, and Discipline!!!
And now time for the Before and After Photos!!
AFTER!!
